I recently wrote the pursuit of happiness. It is a piece that narrates how I find my way back to smile and being content with what I currently own. You might want to give it a read to know and evaluate if you’re happy with your current life.
At the moment of writing this, even with couple of bucks under my name, I am seemingly happy and stress free. The problem no longer bother me and I am ready for the possible worst consequence. Heck, I might get evicted but I am trying my best not to. At least, I am certain that I will solve it within a month or so.
I am trying to motivate myself to do and be better. Among all the suggestions I give away so easily, I can’t seem to perform it at the moment.
“ Get a job”
I would love to get a normal job. In fact, I want to have a normal job where I can interact with people in a daily basis. However, based on my interaction with people I met, they think I can’t even pronounce their language correctly. I am so foreign living in this place and in any place I’ve been to.
Think about when I speak I sound like,
“ y.. y.. yess. M… my… my house is there”
On top of that, I am a perfectionist. So that’s why, even when I have a lot to say, I’d rather write it down or ask someone to speak in behalf of me. I do that because I want it to be flawless and leaving no spot for a criticism.
Once in a blue moon, I have the courage to express my thoughts. That too, only if I sit with two or three people in a closed space,not more. I can’t speak in front of huge audience knowing that they put me on a magnifying glass.
I know they have the right to disagree with my opinion. But I also don’t allow obnoxious attitude. Maybe overall, I am just another stereotypical mileniall who only knows how to criticize but doing zero effort to change things.
I sometimes think, the more I silence myself the more I lost the capability to speak. Do you aware of the red and blue pill? I considered taking a blue pill once. Living the life like others, knowing things from superficial level, never questioning any authority, never even dare to say why or how, not even question why do I exist? Or what is the purpose of everything. It seems like an easy life but with the background I accumulated for the past twenty one year, a blue pill seems impossible.
No matter how hard I try, I am still a socially awkward person. I can’t seem to filter what I have to say. I would either bring up the topic that the other person can’t even relate to. I might ended up giving them lesson, new knowledge but in the end, it’s nothing for them. The more I read and the more I interact with people, I learn to read them as well.I can’t help to think about what is hidden between those eyes, between those personalities or how they choose certain lifestyle. And I know, there’s always something.
I don’t know why we tend to hide our true self, is that because it is too hideous? Or are we scared of society’s judgment?Do you not want to be your true self? I do want to be myself. I do want to say that I don’t belong in any organized religion. And that I have my own approach to see the god. And that I have my common sense to treat others and not to harm them. That maybe we should mind our business instead minding others. But again, that doesn’t mean that I am unwilling to help when there’s a problem. If someone voluntarily telling them their personal matter under their consciousness, I might help them if I can. But I wouldn’t really ask until they do so. It is their rights. So far, I always let people have options. It’s something that we all should aware. We have options.
I have been using that throughout my adulthood. I teach people around me that they have options with its consequences. I want them to know that there are other options than just do nothing. If you are unsatisfied then do something about it.
Just like I am now. When life gets boring and nothing is seemingly interesting. I try to find novelty in this life. I challenge myself every now and then. Who knows that my next challenge is to get a regular job?
And today, I just lifted one of my concern about things. I always have my finger crossed and stop being paranoid that someone might be after me. Maybe again, I should go out there and unapologetically showing my true self. Or like Z told me the other day, I have the option to write about brewing coffee and talk about how to cook stuff instead what truly matters for me.
Signed, M.
