Nights at Hospital

As if life is going to give me a fucking break, it doesn’t.

I haven’t even processed my grieving but even more unfortunate news came. Today was already the 7th day of my dad’s funeral and memorial days. I thought it would end right there. But apparently my adoptive dad was hospitalized for terminal illness this morning. The burden is once again on me as he doesn’t have anyone other than me and my adoptive mom.

My fight and flight response has been fucked too. All I know is killing myself would be the answer to this. But I’ve been trying to get better, maybe that’s not the right fight and flight response. I sat down, got away from the chatter of family and eventually found myself sitting on a cold hospital floor, realizing that I might have done a wrong fight and flight response. Something has clouded my thinking.

Although I feel this year I am running out of luck and just in perpetual suffering. I realized that life and the world moves on. I have to solve everything on my own and it’s probably best that way. Maybe this is the timeline where it molds me as a rock.

I know that fighting a sudden terminal illness isn’t going to be an easy battle. I know for sure from my biological dad. It was already draining my funds from a 3 years long battle. Now this, I don’t know how long this side quest of suffering will take me. All I know is that even during suffering, there is happiness too, short-lived happiness.

That’s what kept me going but sometimes when it hits you all at once, it clouds your thinking. It tries to break your spirit. Just as soon I got some sleep, rested and sat alone, I realized what to do next. I realized that there are a billion possibilities I could solve the problem ahead of me.

Maybe sometimes that’s all we need, just a good sleep after exhausting days. Once you wake up, you feel refreshed and challenges don’t seem that scary anymore. All the unfairness, injustice, and even suffering in the world feels a lot less meaningless to me. While maybe I am affected by it, I have ways to correct my response to it rather than soaking all the negativity and succumbing to it.

I definitely need a lot of positive encouragement to go through this. I hope I can figure things out one by one soon. And this is the last of me to rant about all the harsh things life can do to a person.