There are only two types of person in this world, the high IQ and the low IQ. The genius and the non genius. The special and the not special. The capable and the incapable. The smart and the stupid. These people are born that way and will continue to be that way.
I grew up to believe that there was nothing in between. That people are determined based on ranks, numbers and how well they do in life. I grew up being compared all the time. Most of do and it's normal. But I know, only some could get over their childhood trauma, some don't.
The first memory I had about studying was when I learned how to write ABC and learn simple English words when I was three. It was several months since I was brought into the house. My now mom, she was obsessed with my education.
The earliest memory I have about competition was when she got me into a competition with other three and four years old children when I was three. I remembered they asked me about my parents name, where I live, the president's name and some other things. I even remembered some national songs and was asked to sing.
She also sent me to kindergarten despite I was too young for it. Though I was not officially enrolled there, they let me study. Then, in the afternoon I went to a non formal education to read basic Arabic. And at night, I would study with my mom.
Then the following year, my official schooling days started, things got a bit more intense. I was a kid who couldn't stop running around. My school report said that my mom needs to find a find a way to discipline me. At first, she enrolled me to swimming class. Then other classes as well. After that, she became stricter to me. Only later I learned and she told me, " What would you become if you couldn't stay still and very moody?"
For a mom who thought that it was very normal, she went with her ways that she deemed best. When I was supposed to still goof around, my mom would asked me to memorize a book quite strictly. She pinched me if I couldn't remember a word from a full sentence. Often, I had bruise from the night of studying. And often I memorized the book while crying because I hated it. I obviously got the perfect score but that didn't stop my mom from saying that my senior was genius. No matter how good my score was, I was never going to live up to her expectations.
My mom also planted the idea that there are children who are born as geniuses and they don't need studying. They would magically understand something. I believed it too. I was not smart as them and studying means I am incapable and it is for stupid people.
By the time when I was 9, I grew up tired of studying. I felt that time I need to prove to my mom that I was a genius, a capable person even without studying. I want to be the person that my mom speaks so highly of. So, I never studied since.
My score was impacted quite heavily. I was known to make perfect score but suddenly I settled just for 90 or 80. My mom obviously would keep telling me to study but I never did.
Years went on. I still never study. Whenever I am getting a bad score, I will always make excuses and my mom would keep seeing me less more than others. But then, I keep making excuses.
Despite I hate studying and sitting still ; I love reading. That and applying what I learned were my favorite things. Instead of just spewing words like I was taught, I wanted to know the why? or whether something that I read was correct. I even would go far by fact checking and finding people who has similar interest. Despite I hate studying, I wanted to pursue the academic life. I wanted to be a student for life, a career student. {though to be honest, that's just one of the thing that I wanted from other things I possibly wanted and could}.
As I went to university, I was still having the same mindset. I was doing well despite never studying. So, it doesn't help to cure this deep seated problem. I met acquaintances who would say this or that person are smart. They make it look like they are effortlessly smart. There I was, shrinking even more and proving the idea that those who are smart were born genius without studying. I know for a fact that if I am studying, I can be just like them but that didn't stop me from not studying. I was still not studying in hope that I would deemed smart. What I learned was, there are sure object that I was naturally good at but there are subjects that I needed to study.
It only became quite problematic these days. I started seeing my friends achieved more and I am drowning in the pit of despair. I wondered what is wrong with me, until I realized that I have never done any hard work. I was only good at wasting time and things I did were so mediocre and I shouldn't even wonder why I got mediocre result.
Another factor that made me want to change my mindset was my boyfriend. He is extremely dedicated to his study and very ambitious about it. He had different story than mine. He was the underdog but he keeps on winning. At times, I got envious but with admiration, he is sharp and smart. To me, he is the living example that you can do hard work and be smart even when you're not born as a genius.
I know this might be a twisted confession.This is more than just about I hate studying. I wrote this to heal myself from this bad mindset that I keep having all these years. That if I am putting an effort, it means I am incapable and only deemed fit for mediocrity. It's pity that I lived my life under this false idea.
~ signing out
