I spent a lot of time trying to please others. Because I think if I just become myself, nobody will ever really like my ideas, thoughts, and views on life that can be quite radical for most, where I live. I simply withdrew from any political discourse and research. Shortly, my life became boring.
I fell into nothingness. I no longer feel joy conducting my daily life. I no longer feel like, live is worth living if I just try to please others and say things they want to hear.
I am tired. I have spent a year or two, trying to heal myself and find ways that actually get my dopamine going and have a purpose to serve in life. I discovered ways that actually help me revert to my old lifestyle. It's working.
Working, whatever that is always makes me happy.I think about the days I put effort into my writing, my graphic design and researched here and there. I followed and discovered trends that are only becoming mainstream these days. I don't even have the time to peek on others life cause mine was interesting.
On Monday, I was high on caffeine. I had three cups of great coffee and a croissant. It was bringing back all the memories I had about my previous life. I know that I am now a different person but a lifestyle is something I can always start all over again. So, as expected I felt quite limitless. I started loving math at 3 am and did it until 4 am. My mind was racing trying to revise things I have learned in my life. It was quite thrilling experience. When the effect wears off, I feel like a crap. I am back to the loser lifestyle I had built since the past one year.
I woke up in the morning feeling like I should change. Some parts of me died and the new me isn't any better. It's worse. Hence why, I think I need to revert to the old lifestyle that I used to have. Something that suits the real me. I know that many won't like it but that makes me happy and that's what matters above all things. That being said, I should stop writing bunch of low-quality craps too. I need to put more better efforts like I used to, years ago.
That means more word counts, better illustrations, simply put more efforts. I know, I have been slacking off with it but it has come to an end, slowly but steady. In my quests of finding myself again, I find out that I love technology, language, religion, politic, geography, math, economy, history and art. These are my top interest. So, I will definitely blog about these things other than my regular hobbies I picked up on the side.
Now, when I think about it. The 19 years old me would have slapped the now me. I neglected so many things in my life including my personal care. So, coffee makes me realize things I have missed. Including how good my old lifestyle was.