Back when my life was even more chaotic, less certain and darker, I found contentment in that chaos. I thought I understood what empty means but now, that has been upgraded. Despite how thrilling my current life and the streams of opportunities which are flowing, I feel emptier and hollower.
But as I am writing this, reflecting, and trying to find the thread that ties it all together, somehow I found the answer. It’s not because I didn’t enjoy it but more so that this new life is erratic. It’s as unpredictable as the Indonesian weather.
My new life required me to jump from one project to another, casting my net far to find more streams of income, in between leaping and landing without a break, exhaustion slowly crept in. I am not one to be called slow or lazy, far from that. Yet with the pacing right now, I struggle to keep up.
“ We are consultants, we are ready 24/7”, “ if you say no, you’ll get left behind”. I heard this from seniors I met and that becomes a kind of gravity, something so unavoidable.
I used to stay up all night, travel around willingly,happily and it wasn’t even paid from the business expenses. I was a solo proprietor, no team, no safety net; most importantly, I was happier.
