As I sit and type what I have held back for 13 years my eyes still swell with tears. Holding back the tears not because I'm sad, but because I realize I'm angry. You don't get to miss out on the most important moments in my life and not think I wouldn't be upset. I didn't even have a wedding because the thought of you not being in the front row with that shiny gold hair just seemed unbearable. You should have been the one relaxing my hair for prom and helping us look for a dress. You should have been here to see me walk across that stage and get my diploma, but you weren't.... and I'm angry! You were the voice of reason when my parents wouldn't listen; always there to step right on in and go to my defense. Now, I'm left to fight these battles alone even as an adult when they just don't get it... and I'm angry! I had 5 kids every pregnancy different, but one feeling with every one of them just the same. The feeling of knowing you wouldn't be here and they'd never get a chance to meet you... I'm angry! I'm angry because when you left, our family fell apart and we haven't quite been able to pull it back together since. I'm angry during the holidays because I have to pull out a recipe book and it's not yours because you never got around to sharing recipes that should have been passed down. YOU. WERE. MY. PERSON. The only one who ever truly understood me. We had the same passion which became discussed goals and dreams for my future. I'm angry because the truth is if you were here my life would be diff. from what it is now, just out of the fear I had of doing the wrong thing and somehow disappointing you. YOU'RE NOT HERE AND IM ANGRY! The one man I counted on most to make it all go away and fix it let me down. The man you devoted your every hour to and I don't mean grandpa. Why would this man take you from me... Damn, I'm angry! I couldn't understand how you could praise someone who would do something so evil, like LET YOU DIE! That's right.. see I'm not angry at you, but I'm angry at God. I turned away from the church 2 years ago because in some of the most trivial times in my life I didn't feel like he has been there only beginning with you. There have been other things and other people he has taken from me since then, but none compare to the day I lost you. You see my whole life changed the morning of Feb. 15th at 3 am and I know how, but I can't figure out why? Why would he take you from me when I still had my whole life ahead of me and needed you? How could a man who said he would never leave me nor forsake me have done just that and why always in my darkest hour does it feel he never shows up? The least he could have done was left you here for me... I'm angry! Why so late in life did it take me to become so filled with anger and at times rage? Why can't i ever seem to fill this void I have been feeling since I was 16? I mean sure my dad's mom is still alive, but we both know she will never come close to the woman you were to me. You raised one amazing woman and she has been there and has helped fill a little bit of that void, but even she has weak moments and cry's out for you. I don't know how to not be angry with God for me or for her. I want so badly to forgive and to not be angry, but I have still have so many unanswered questions that keep me from doing so. I guess Ill just keep telling myself to "Live through it" until my questions are answered... if they are ever answered. Know I love you now, I loved you then and I'll love you always.
