It isn't the first time. It won't stop here. I know. But...what about love?
I've been disappointed so many times that it actually doesn't surprise me anymore. If I thought it was going to be different? Always. I always hope things can work this time, things will happen different for me, but guess what? They never change...in the end everything end up the same, over and over again.
Let me explain: I suffered a lot because of this person I trully believe was the love of my life. I spent 5 years of my life loving someone who didn't love me back...at some point we stopped seeing each other or know about each other, and for some reason I couldn't stop loving him. Until last year, when I decided it was enough. Because of him, during this past 5 years I couldn't love anyone else, I couldn't even give myself entirely to someone. It was all right for me...because to be disappointed again, one time was enough. But as I was saying, last year I decided to stop loving this ghost of him and I started being happy with myself. I never felt so damn good alone! No one could hurt me, I didn't have those kind of feelings (the good and the bad ones) and I was feeling amazing. I really started enjoying being single and free. I loved my myself more than anyone's else.
Until...yeah, until now. As I ocasionally do, I went on Tinder to do some swipes. And there it was: a good looking guy, older than me (not much, 2 years only), and... it's a match! I couldn't believe that this cute guy also had interest in me. We started talking, and talking and talking. We talked all day during days. I love this kind of attention, can't lie. And as the things flowed and the conversation was still nice and interesting, we decided to meet each other in person. I took him to my favourite bar in town and I was so nervous (he looked even prettier in person) that I couldn't stop talking (this is not my thing at all because I'm shy). After a pleasant night, he kissed me. I was flying of so much happiness, that I can't even describe it. We kept talking and he didn't dissapeared (as everyone else after the first night), and I started getting excited about this new guy. We seemed to want the same kind of things, so for almost 2 months things went pretty good. We had seen each other many other times and it was even better each time.
For some reason I can't understand he started acting weird, he didn't reply my messages for hours (even after reading it - I hate when they do this), he didn't praised me anymore, he didn't show interest in my sexy pictures, he didn't react when I posted something on his social media and I got suspicious. Here was my disappointment again. He slept in my house like 4 days ago and now he was acting super weird with me. I confronted him.
Excuses, after excuses, he said he simply lost interest in me. So fast? What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to feel? He seemed different from others in so many ways, and I trully wanted to believe in it. But now, he just showed how he is the same as everyone else. How can someone lose interest in 4 days? I felt lost, I felt the worst shit ever... It happened so fast, I was not expecting it at all, so I didn't know very well how to react to all of this. No, I wasn't in love with him. But having someone telling you that you are not interesting anymore, how the fuck should I feel? And more, as this wasn't enough he told me that it wasn't because of someone else because he didn't have anyone else. Is this supposed to make me feel better? So, it is not because he likes another person, it's just me that I'm not enough and I'm not interesting?! Well, I cried for days. And again, not because I was in love or something but because I never expected this to happen and never expected him to tell me something like this. It hurted me like damn hell. The reasons, the excuses to go away were so fucking shitty. I still don't understand him, but there's something I know for sure: I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS. All I did was start having interest and caring about him. I opened myself to him, I let him come inside my house, my world - which was so perfect and untouched before that stupid match on Tinder.
What about love, these days?
