I was watching TV with my family and at some point my mom said my face looks very round and that I seem to have gained weight. I am sick of both my parents obsession with weight and looks.
"You will look better if you lose weight." Dad to mom, my sister or me.
"She is too ugly to be and actress" My mom\dad about an average to actually beautiful actress. Who by the way is mostly a great actress. I mean actors act!
Or isn't she too fat to be an actress about an average-weight person.
She has made several similar comments to me as well that were sometimes just lack of awareness on her part but still hurtful. To much much worse things that were just plain insensitive and sounded spiteful because of the context she said it in and because she repeated it again and again in similar situations.
Those conversations were the beginning of my obsession with weight and health and healthy diet. Sounds good. But it did little for me. I was much slimmer and had much clearer skin then. And from then the healthier I tried to be the more I got obsessed with food. And heavier I got. I am at my heaviest now.
In the lockdown I just got in the category of obese weight. I had incorporated most of my activity into my daily life. But the point is because of the reasons for wanting to be healthy being external it backfired. It wasn't for myself.
Plus the stress of trying to be healthy and the negativity and the pressure to look good. The idea that I am not good enough lead to PCOD. I didn't know that when I was diagnosed of course. But after more than a decade of trying to eat healthily and then yo-yoing I finally made huge progress in my self-esteem and stress management. It helped a lot and my periods are regular now. Except on months when I am stressed. Those are also the only times I get PMS related mood swings. I otherwise almost never get PMS in any way. Even as a teenager I remember having the most painful cramps when I was stressed. I think I might be able to eat healthy without obsessing. I am trying to get help.
In other news,my boyfriend who has been stuck in another city since March 2020 due to covid said he is coming back soon. He didn't specify and I didn't ask when because this has happened so many times and he couldn't come that we didn't want to get our hopes up. But I almost sure this time it's for sure. Almost.
