The only parenting advice I have that seems to work (sometimes) is to work on yourself. Be completely vulnerable and transparent with your fears, your insecurities, your concerns about the future, the judgements of others, and the times you lack the control you want. In the most challenging moments, talk through the emotions and pains you’re feeling and why. Share the expectations you have, why you have them, and why it hurts so much when they aren’t met.
Be silly. Be playful. Be creative. Rough house, pillow fight, jump on a trampoline, explore a park, find some wildlife. Be the things they want you to be and show them how you’re doing it as an act of selfless love for them. They learn through mirroring, not through us saying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Looking to improve ourselves with even more self-awareness, mindfulness training, education, and constructive action creates a model for them to appreciate. As they see the results of our change making their lives better, i think they are drawn to improving their own lives not because we told them so or because we threatened them with consequences, but because they are selfishly loving themselves, and it simply works best when we all try to create a world we all want to live in.
Parenting is one of the hardest things you can possibly do, especially in a culture which no longer has the help of a village to raise the kids. As parents we can feel isolated and unprepared, no matter how many books we read. It’s thankless, selfless, and a near perfect process for showing us just how inadequate we are, no matter how hard we try. It’s a great way to shape our character and strengthen our integrity. If we let it change ourselves to be better people, I think we’ll find ourselves with kids who are following along to improve themselves as well.
Hugs and encouragement to all the parents out there. You aren’t alone and yes, sometimes it really is that hard. You can do it. You can work on yourself and by doing so, help your kids see what an adult is supposed to be.