I started this post as a dissection of her great post yesterday....
https://steemit.com/psychology/@abigail-dantes/loneliness-or-emotional-dependency
But , as seems to happen on a far too regular basis, I somehow ended up on the couch, naked, and saying more about myself, than actually dissecting her post. (Which is a massive compliment, btw.)
Seldom, do people make me think, quite like 
(even though she's nuts, and has a fetish for animals that talk gibberish to each other).
'Each to their own' is my motto.
So, enjoy the ramble.
Or not.
Each to their own.
the faded bits are from abigails post...
So, are you lonely or dreading disapproval?
Or, are you lonely because you dread disapproval?
These are questions that've come up early on in my life, due to my circumstances and one's I've dealt with - and avoided also - over the years.
My early years were almost a 90% constant disapproval from family. (how I feel it now, if not entirely true - but I'm pretty sure I'm in the ball park).
Disapproval wasn't disapproval for me. It was a 'bit of shitty feeling, I haven't done anything wrong', feeling.
I had no put label to put on it on it. It was just a feeling, one that I then later attached a name to.
It's much easier dealing with your own emotions(imo) without a preconceived definition- one's from other people who've decided for you, what that feeling is.
It confuses the issue, not clarifies it.
So, with my feelings that hadn't yet been boxed into a definition, by other people, I had a choice. (not a conscious one, in retrospect, but still a choice nonetheless).
I searched inside myself to find the answers. I didn't look elsewhere for approval .
With time, and lots weeks and months of solitude , with books and solo pursuits, I, over time, came to my own conclusions. (there is NO substitute for time).
(...with social media madness today, young people are no longer given that luxury -which could well be a contributing factor for the massive upswing in this 'loneliness phenomena', imo).
Anyways, I eventually came to the conclusion of:
' yeah... fuck em, I know I'm an alright person. I like me'
(it wasn't that dramatic, the whole sentence took weeks to formulate, but you get the idea).
And that was , I would say, around the age of 9 or 10.
I found my own self worth by looking inside, not outside.
This feeling of self worth, of knowing who I am, stood me in good stead. Because after that (20 to 30 years old, roughly) , I then lost myself, looking for peer approval.
Weird, uh?
But , and here's the important thing as I see it - for all my 'looking for approval years', I never once, deep down, ever lost the sense of myself. (not including any drug induced trips, obviously!)
It was my anchor, and it wasn't dependent on anyone - except myself.
And very probably the reason why i came 'out on the other side' of it (relatively) intact, as well.
I can't imagine the result of those years, without 'the anchor' first...
....Assuming your actions are constantly guided by genuine kindness and respect towards your fellow human beings,
While this may not seem apparent to many on steemit, this has always been my default setting, and one of the things that brought me to the 'fuck 'em, I'm alright' moment described earlier.
This sort of understanding is as powerful an antidote against loneliness as the realisation that you heavily rely on the companionship of others in order to feel good about yourself and life.
I never felt the emotion of loneliness - not once ( I mean that literally), until I was in my 40's. THEN I felt it, and waht a fucker that was. For the first time, I felt it, and knew what everyone was talking about.
Up until then it was an abstract concept for me.
But here's the thing - It wasn't 'loneliness'.
It was self pity.
When I was examining my emotions, I saw it for what it was. (I had first hand experience of witnessing self pity for years, growing up).
I was replicating what I saw as a kid for some reason, and that feeling of isolation was the one I had seen on the faces of people around me growing up.
Harsh but true. Loneliness is self pity. (for me).
When I realized what it was for me, my anger at myself soon slapped some sense into me, and guess what - I was soon very fucking friendly with myself again, 'loneliness dispelled' - and that feeling has never returned.
And nor will it.
I know that sounds harsh, but it's really not. I'm my own harshest critic, I pull no punches with myself.
...because everyone is so connected, via the web - it is now deemed as weird to be on your own. Or even wanting to be on your own.
i.e. actively Disconnected.
This, in conjunction with a world drunk on it's own decadence, and with the 'luxury' to indulge itself to the 'nth degree, it has created a generation of very molly coddled individuals.
Ones with no internal anchor mechanism.
And now I'm going to go off into mini rant....
Time has been stolen from young people, via social media - and time is the most precious thing any of us posses, even though we never recognize it as such when we are younger.
That doesn't alter the value of it, it's just not recognized.
The world of psychology is one seriously enthusiastic volunteer, to try undertake the task to label, and to quantify. Everything.
Because everything in the real world is messy, the categorization system is not fit for purpose, in my opinion.
Not if the purpose is to help people, should I say.
And I truly don't think it is.
Defining the indefinable doesn't work very well, but using categorizations can't be messy, therefor it has to be reductive in nature.
A blunt instrument at best. Evil at worst.
It can't become something until it has label. It then becomes 'a thing', where a thing didn't exist before.
It can't become profitable, unless it becomes 'a thing'.
And then big pharma kindly step in...
Anti depressants anyone?
ok, mini rant over....
Lonely or Emotionally Dependent?
Of course, emotional dependency is innate to us humans. After all we’re ultra-social animals.
I might have to disagree on the second part of this premise nowadays.. lol.
The amount of love, desire and attention your partner can give you throughout your time together varies in intensity and quality for a thousand of different reasons that aren’t necessarily negative to you personally. If you lack confidence all it takes for your world to collapse is for your other half to miss your phone call. Then your neediness goes up a couple of notches and there you are demanding from another person that thing which only you can find in yourself: inner-piece and calm. And here is something else about human nature I’ve observed, people resist to do what they feel pushed into doing. This is surprisingly similar to when an individual is actually physically pushed and immediately tenses up as not to lose balance.
It's funny, because for all my independence and feeling of self worth - I definitely, deep down, still have an abandonment issue.
(which pisses me right off, I can tell you, when it raises its ugly head). It's not my master by any means- nowadays - but even the fact it's still in my head, without paying rent, is a fucker.
....One thing that those who share beliefs similar to that of Natan’s (alone therefore lonely) have in common is that when they find themselves single they lose all motivation to engage with life. For example, when they have a partner they throw dinner parties, organise getaways, go to the cinema … but, when they’re single, they turn into a couch potato. ”This is why you can’t bear being single!” I exclaim in exasperation to Natan. ”look how you treat yourself!”. Sadly, when I offer him suggestions of how he could spend his nights and weekends he rebukes by saying ”you just want to distract me from my loneliness.”
MMmmmmm......self pity, anyone?
Learn How To Be With Your Self.
Yet,@holm didn’t give up. How did he manage to keep on going? My husband would say: ”he ploughed through it”. Well, sometimes that is truly the only way.
'when your journey takes you into hell, you better keep on moving. Or else.'
....One evening Natan asked me with a bored look ”what is my goal then?”. Then I replied with seriousness: “to enjoy higher levels of emotional independence and, consequently, emotional stability.” Obviously, for Natan as well as for you and me at this point it becomes a matter of whether we want to achieve this.
I can't reply to this, not without a-d, blocking me!!
lmao.
The reason why this is an important decision is that our chances of meeting our goals are much, much greater when we understand what they are and how willing we are to achieve them.
I, personally think that there far to much emphasis on goals, rather than emphasis on being .
To have a goal, then setting sights on doing, and not being.
Call me Mr Zen if you want (that not my real name), but goal setting, in terms of sorting out ' loneliness', is setting yourself up for internal battles, with the very real risk of making yourself lonely if you fail.
Just being doesn't do this, and I, personally, think that just being is the road to discovering who you are.
I'll have to give you a poor paraphrase - ('cos it's not coming up in my search engine..)
"you don't need to look for anything, you just need to sit.
you don't even need to sit and look for anything, you just need to be.
And when you just are, the universe will fall to your feet and give up all her secrets, quite willingly'
(That's a really crap paraphrase, btw - but I hope you get the gist).
It worked for me anyways.
Fishing endlessly in the summer months, on my own, from dawn until dusk, everyday, for weeks was my 'just being' moment.
The value of the time spent then, couldn't be traded for all the gold in the world.
( I hate bad trades).
...great post 
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