I'm sitting here thinking, while the baby sleeps on my lap
That I wish my mind was as quiet as this house.
That I wish the emptiness churning in my chest was only a ceiling fan blade clicking through rotations in the next room.
That I wish the depression I felt pulling me back into the couch cushion was as calm as the baby's breath against my leg.
You see, a month ago I was depressed.
But that was because that's just who I am.
Depression is a beast that lives right under my skin.
Some days the beast slept and some days it was a gnat buzzing next to my ear and some days it was straps that bound me to the bed while it beat me until I couldn't move.
A month ago I knew that no matter what this beast did to me, you would always be there.
You are my light shining through the window when I sit in this house, empty and quiet.
You are the brightness.
You are my strength to wake up.
Fourteen days ago you told me you are unhappy but we could fix things.
Every breath I took I spent fighting to show you we could fix things.
Every moment was spent pushing. Every heartbeat was a scream.
Four days ago you told me that I was better and things were better but you were not and you did not have any hope left that we could be better together.
That This is my fault.
Today I found out that tubal ligations cause things the doctors failed to mention:
Severe or worsened depression
Anxiety
Mood swings
Irritability
Hopelessness
Head aches
Fatigue
Joint and muscle pains
Absent-mindedness
The list continues for the year I've let you down.
Today I found out that though we know what's been wrong with me, and a glowing, flashing, brilliant exit sign hangs in the foggy distance,
Its too little, too late.
Today I am depressed, and I know that when I opened my body to fix things, I invited it inside me.
Today I know that the crippling beast I've been trying to overcome cost me the light I clung to,
The light the beast was scared of. The light that filled me with hope that one day it would leave me...
Is gone.
You left me and the beast stayed.
