In High school, I had a group of friends I was besties with. Even after graduating, we remained tight. I was working 50+ hours a week and going to college full time, I really don't know how on Earth I did it. Yet I still made time to hang with my friends, to party, drink and numb myself. After I turned 21, our friendship went down hill. I had an intense spiritual awakening that I was scared to talk to anyone about. I barely knew who I was, how to explain what I was experiencing. So I just slowly withdrew from everyone. We would still talk, but I wouldn't drop everything and go hang with them or pick them up like I used to. I was the go to designated drunk driver because I was one of the only girls who had a car, ever since we were 17. I just had a lot of pressure on me and I felt like none of them understood me.
What ended up happening is we all kind of went separate ways. I posted a status on Facebook of some Drake lyrics and apparently they were feeling salty and took it personally. This was when Drake was first coming up, in 09/10 and I was obsessing over every single line. As a musician, a writer, I really just loved his pen game. For whatever reason, they got triggered and tried to shit on me on my status. I am talking the very girls who were supposed to be my friends. All these years later, it feels like just yesterday. I couldn't believe it when it happened. Aren't they my best friends? How could they post such hurtful comments on social media, and go against me when I never intended to hurt them? Well lets just say, this experience changed me.
It made me question a lot and it also closed me off from forming deep, lasting friendships. I was scared to really connect and become close with someone to only get hurt. It's not that I didn't want to, but I was trying to protect myself. So I only allowed people to get just close enough to not get too close. What didn't help is a "friend" I made after all of this happened, ended up hooking with my boyfriend, in my apartment , while I was working, on multiple occasions. So yeah, that definitely did not help. It's funny because this was 2012 and at this point, I had actually really started opening up. I moved out of NY for the first time in my life, across the country to Arizona. Then this happened. Since then, I've learned that not everyone is your friend. It does not stop me from connecting with other people, but it has brought another level of awareness to me. Now I really listen to my intuition, which I used to ignore in the past.
Is there a such thing as "real friends"? Yes and no. We all go through phases, and I know I sometimes still take things personally because I am so sensitive. I love making people smile and seeing them happy. So growing up, I've always wanted to be everyone's "friend" in that sense. And you can be everyone's "friend", but to a certain extent. There are levels to this friend game and not everyone can get that platinum bestie status. I have learned that I also can't be real besties with anyone if I can't even be besties with myself.
Have you gone through anything similar? I'd love to hear below.
pictures found online :)
