As I try to figure out exactly when I lost zest for life, I recall a lot of time spent on FB. Many times a day, sometimes for only a few minutes, other times for hours, I would aimlessly scroll and feel less alone. Wake up, scroll. Make lunch, scroll. Eat and scroll. Scroll before a nap. Wake up, scroll some more. Sit, scroll. Scroll before a walk and scroll when back from walking. Scroll as dinner boils. Scroll instead of blessing the meal. Scroll when washing the dishes would be appropriate. Scroll before bed. Mostly, I felt less alone with myself. I escaped my own thoughts and ideas by mindlessly reading others. Occasionally I might find an article to read that enriched my life for a few moments, but there wasn't anything that inspired real motivation for my personal growth. Of course, that's not why I was there anyways. I was on because I felt uncomfortable with myself. In a sad way, seeing people write about mundane or meaningless drama made me feel better about my stagnant life. These are the thoughts of a weak mind. At the time I didn't see it that way. There was no way I could. I had dumbed myself down so much that there was little capability to share an original thought. What was once a distraction from a pain in my life, became a bigger problem than the pain. I had quit growing and if a person isn't growing, they are dying. It certainly felt like death was settling in and I had reached such a low, I didn't care much about it. What a life, I'd tell myself. The conversations in my head were so negative that I welcomed numbing myself with FB chatter.
Today I write from a healthier place...to a healthier place. My home is still unorganized, along with my thoughts, but useless items are being put in boxes for donation and new thoughts and ideas are being scribbled down to be thought deeper on. Of course FACEBOOK didn't cause my bout of depression, but it didn't help either.
