Most esteemed, ladies and gentlemen,
I was the other day enjoying a pipe on the way home and letting my mind wander with the curlicues of smoke as they rose into that great attractor in the sky. Smoking is a gentlemanly vice, as you all know, which is why I was a little surprised when on my way to the confectionery store nearby I saw a young lass puffing away in her balcony. As a civilized man, I tend to mind my own business for the most part, except when the other's business threatens the fabric of the society in which I conduct my own. So thinking about pipes and smoking led me to think about this young lady. It seemed a very modern thing to do on her part, but I must admit I was not terribly impressed. I thought to myself, should we allow our young maidens, or mature matrons even, to pollute their bodies and mind with the vice of the pipe? Oh, I am not naive in thinking that a sharp wit, a focused mind, and enhancement of intellect are the only effects of a filled bowl. Alas, if consumed repeatedly, or supplemented with exotic herbs, the pipe can be a source of ill and abuse. Thus, I ask once more, should maidens, fair and true, have the right to light it up, as they say in modern parlance?
Much concerned with this topic, I employed the help of several maidens from all strata of society to capture their likeness in moving images whilst they smoked a pipe. In the interest of research, I ensured the pipes only had the finest of material (as control) and only a hint of mystery herbs (for experimental manipulation). They all signed consent forms and knew exactly what procedure and instrument I was going to administer. After many hours of research, I present to you the fruits of this labour. While I implore you to keep an open mind- for we are all created equal in the divine workshop- I beg you to imagine what would happen to society should we allow this habit to take root in the gentlest of all creatures.
Mrs. Smith is a sensible Victorian mother to five children. Her lung capacity would certainly be ruined by consumption of the vapors. How would she care for her offspring? On the other hand, her poise and beauty became much more evident whilst she deftly handled the instrument
Susy is an aspiring bohemian. With her mind scrambled up, how would she come up with inspiring verses extolling the virtues of her femininity? Yet that is precisely what she did in a long poem she wrote as if in a trance with the pipe dangling from her lips. I cannot judge the merit of said verses for they consisted of many phrases that you, my fine readers, would certainly find outside the bounds of proper social etiquette
This young nurse was all giggles and could hardly perform the proper medical procedures that I asked her to perform. On the other hand, her empathy and affection much greatly increased while under the influence of the pipe
Vice knows no bounds, and even Gaucho ladies could fall under the spell and seduction of the arousing smoke. Margarita was certainly a natural, providing some tantalizing and vivacious evidence that even after controlling for cultural differences, ladies are much affected in a similar manner across the world
The police is the backbone of our society, and the last ones you'd want to see hitting the old pipe. While I was not able to goad a fine lady in uniform to participate in my investigation (and nearly got thrown in jail in the process), my retired neighbour, Ms. Rogers, was a willing participant
Now, one might be of a contrarian disposition and object thus, "But dear Reginald, you're being an old fashioned sourpuss, what's the harm of a pipe now and then?"
Let me fill up another bowl before I answer. Hmm... yes...puff puff... ah, there we go!
As my research shows, members of the fair sex are very much affected whenever they take up the pipe. Let's face it, us men are built to withstand the harshness of our environment. Our constitution is such that a bowl consumed under rigorous logic has little deleterious effect on our health. Ladies on the other hand, are a mystery and enigma, the effects of the pipe on their fragile nature still unknown and much more research is needed.
Not all the participants responded the same way. To demonstrate the variety of effects, I present more examples for your consideration.
This glassy-eyed flower vixen was lost in a hazy cloud when she suddenly accused me of being an instrument of the patriarchy. I assured her I was only a researcher, but she would not calm down until she smoked a fifth bowl
Sweet Mary-Sue also had a sweet tooth and raided my edible experimental supplies. Things got heated when she pulled out a gun on me, but given that this incident is still under ethics review, I cannot say more than this and will let you draw your own conclusions
At one point during the pipe session, Penelope insisted on smoking her mother's geraniums. Need I say more?
Some may call me old fashioned indeed for wishing to keep the health of our society in good standing order. I will not apologize, dear readers. Others will say I am hypocrite for enjoying the pipe while not affording the same luxury to others. But I say, bah humbug to them, and a good evening to you.
Join me in my next post in which I explore gender roles in the circus.
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