I was only 24 when I met Yan (not his real name). He is eight years older than me and he looks like "Jay", the lead vocalist of Kamikaze(just in a clean cut hair). With his eyes, pointed nose, medium size body with approximately 170 centimeters height and a loving personality, no wonder why I fell in love with him. I guess he is the most gentleman and kind man I ever met (well aside from my husband now馃槂), he's also funny and helpful, he's like my superman. It was not an ordinary love, it was the most craziest thing I've ever been to that it almost killed me. That precious memory I kept for almost 8 years now, somehow brought me smile. It was a silly decision, I had regrets but not by loving him.... but because I break somebody's heart.
Actually I can't recall how we'd met, it's impossible right to forget the very first time you met the one you really loved? But maybe because I chose to repressed that feelings, some details were forgotten. All I know it was not a love at first sight. We started from strangers then became friends, later we became super close that we didn't notice we like each other. I used to recall him as being one of my savior. Every time I'm in trouble, he was there, saving me or solving my problems. There are times he will just appear like a magician, specially at those places I've never expect he'll be there. Don't know if it's coincidence, but we always bump each other. From the streets, malls and events he's also there. Weird right? And so I thought he's the one, I assumed he is the one.
One day, I had this incident from a dorm I used to stay. It was actually a dorm of a relative(in third generation), I was living there for free. Since I've been busy attending some services from my organization and she barely sees me, she told me to leave the house so someone can rent out my room. I was shocked when I came home, my things are outside and the house was locked. "Are you kidding me?!", I just whispered to myself. Luckily I am no one robbed my things, I don't know what to do so I sat at the corner to think. I immediately dialed Yan's number and told him what happen. "I can't come home (to my province) like this, I have some obligations to my family, I have to find a job", I explained to Yan over the phone. "Alright, wait me in 20 minutes, I'll pick you up", he replied.
20 minutes later he arrived and carry my bags. "Let's go, you stay in my friend's house for the mean time until you find a job", Yan said. I kept silent because I was a bit shy, I was kicked off the house I feel so ashamed. So we ride a bus and we went to his friend's house Margie. Margie was living alone in a studio room, working as a Cashier in one reputed school in Manila. She was good, very supportive. She helped me also to apply in the same school she's working with and I was hired as Marketing Assistant.
Days had passed, Yan and I became more closer to each other. He always accompany me whenever I'm going to attend a church, he even became my tour guide in Manila. He brought me to his friends house, we are always together. It was a happy moments. I remember one rainy night, it become flooded at the Quiapo area. He fetch me at the office and we are about to cross the street. I can't move as I am wearing a high heels and my feet will soak to the flood, he looked at me and suddenly grab and carry me. Everyone is looking at us while running through the rain. Someone said "Look how sweet the guy is!". Hahaha oh my god I was so blushed! After reaching the other side of the street he put me down and said, "I don't want you to get wet." He smiled at me, I can feel and see in his eyes he felt shy as well.
There are so many good times and memorable moments with him. He always gave me a butterflies in my tummy every time he'll surprise me. One day he'll be not there then suddenly will just appear. Or will keep sending flowers in my office and my office mate where so "Kilig". There are times where he'll join me in my hike and act like he was the strongest man, making silly things to put smile in my face. The most memorable is when he cooked for me a meal (which he do not usually do) and bring it to my office. Not just a cooked meal but with decoration of a heart, it was good somehow even though its salty 馃槄.
Love letters? uhmm I received so many of it from him. It's weird receiving a hand writing letter from a 32 years old man haha! I was like dying due to "kilig-to-the-bones". I was very happy, delighted. And yes, when you are so in-love you became blinded of the things you should have known. I found out he had a fiance and their in a long-distance relationship, working in Malaysia. I was unaware, how could I? When I found out I was in denial, so I ignored.
I asked him and he told me everything. Not just a fiance but they had two children, it was living with him. "Oh really?! How did I not know!". Simple, our routines revolves outside and his friends only. Since I love him so much I still kept him. I became a different person, I was naive, hesitant and jealous. Checking him, his activity and facebook, it became my habit. I feel so tired everyday and every night, I'm crying. I can't let him go, I want him, I love him. So I continued what we had. Am I a mistress? Is it the right term? I don't know, they're not married anyway and my goal was to replace her. I'm at the highest peak of my emotions..... being selfish.
When I had a chance to meet his kids, I thought maybe this will be the turning point for me to realize that what I'm doing is wrong but I wasn't. My conscience leaves my body and I feel so numb. All I know is the word "I don't care!". Yeah, I'm a bastard, I'm a bitch. As time goes by I became demanding for attention and I'm already competing myself to his fiance. I repressed my emotions and can't face the reality that I was being cheated! The madness runs in my veins for two years. God, for that long time I let myself suffer. I was so depressed and desperate. I started to pity myself.
One night, I had a dream. In my dream I was standing in a grass field. It was late afternoon, the weather is perfectly good. I was looking around trying to find something and saw a tree. I run towards the tree and sat at its large roots, when I saw a picture. I picked-up the picture, it was a family photo. They are so happy in that photo, the man hugged his wife while the kids are smiling at them. Then I just woke up. I didn't get back to sleep, I was thinking what was that dream about. Is it telling me something?
The next day, I told Yan to meet me at our favorite coffee shop. When I arrived there, I saw him smiling at me, excited. He kissed and hug me, I just smiled. I did not make it long so I started the conversation immediately. "Yan, I'm leaving. I'm going back to my town", I said. He was shocked, unprepared. "What? When? Why so soon?" "I can't do this anymore Yan. I can't just be another woman, I can't stand the pain anymore. It was like I'm torturing myself for nothing. It won't work out like this, I can't...", I explained. Yan grabbed my hands, stared at me with tears in his eyes. He was sad, me too, but he knows what I'm saying is true. I told him about my dream last night. I told him that pictures symbolizes their family, a happy one. And if I'll be staying that won't be possible. I am a woman too, I should know how she'll felt when she finds out. It's been two years anyway, I guess that's a waste of time already. I give in, so we broke up.
What we had was just a steal moments. There will never be us, he will never be mine. It was really hard decision, freeing away the one you loved. I almost killed myself to depression, drowning myself in liquor just to ease the pain. I tried to hide and escape the truth but it won't help. Acceptance is the only key, and thank God I found it after six months. My decision to free myself from pain helps me a lot to retrieve my self once again. I tried to go out, divert it through meeting new people and joining different activities. It is true that when you let God lead your life, things will be different. God is really good, he sent me a guy who I called my own, my husband!
What I've been through was my turning point as I age 32 now. It was a life lesson indeed. It made me strong and wiser and it broaden my knowledge when it comes to love. Love is deceiving, love can be loyal nor unfaithful. Whether you like it or not, love will find its way. Don't use heart when loving, we have to learn to balance it, even though its difficult, you have to practice. For love cannot be called love when you know you're stepping someone's heart.
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