There was a time when I didn't know how to feel jealous. I know that sounds strange, right?
Whenever I told people that I didn't really feel jealous in my relationship, they would look at me with those kind eyes that seemed to say, “Are you even human? Do you actually love your partner?”
And honestly, sometimes their reactions made me question myself too. But the truth is, I do love my partner. I just didn't understand why I had to be jealous to prove that I loved him.
For me, jealousy never seemed like something that would change anything. If my partner wanted to do something, my jealousy wasn't going to stop him. If someone wanted to cheat, being jealous wasn't going to magically make them faithful. Checking their phone every few minutes, asking where they are all the time, or getting angry whenever they talk to someone else wouldn't change what they had already decided to do.
Instead, I felt that too much jealousy would only make the relationship complicated.
If my partner was talking to another woman, for example, I didn't automatically think something was happening between them. I could see them talking and simply think, “Okay, they are talking.” I didn't feel the need to investigate every conversation or imagine the worst possible situation.
But as time went on, I started noticing how differently people viewed relationships.
Some people believe that if you love someone, you must be jealous. They believe that jealousy is proof that you care and that if your partner doesn't get jealous, then maybe they don't really love you.
So, funny enough, I started trying to learn how to be jealous.
Not because I suddenly wanted to control my partner, but because I thought maybe I was missing something. Maybe jealousy was just one of those emotions that everyone was supposed to have when they were in love.
I wanted to feel a little more “human.” Looking back at it now, I find it funny because why was I trying to force myself to feel an emotion just because other people expected me to?
The truth is, jealousy is complicated. I think a little jealousy can be completely normal. When you genuinely care about someone, the thought of losing them can sometimes make you uncomfortable. You might see your partner laughing and having a good time with someone else, and for a moment, you might feel that little pinch in your heart.
That doesn't necessarily mean there is something wrong with you.
We are human beings, We have emotions. The problem starts when we allow that feeling to control our behaviour. There is a huge difference between feeling jealous and acting possessive.
You can feel jealous and still communicate with your partner calmly. You can say, “I felt a little uncomfortable when I saw how close you were with that person,” without turning it into an argument.
But when jealousy becomes, “You are not allowed to talk to that person,” or “Give me your phone so I can check your messages,” then I think we have entered a completely different territory.
Checking your partner's phone without permission, demanding their passwords, controlling who they can be friends with, getting angry whenever they go somewhere without you, or constantly questioning where they are may look like love from the outside, but I don't think that is healthy love, that is controlling, and sometimes, that control comes from insecurity.
A person may constantly worry that their partner will find someone better. They may compare themselves with everyone around their partner and wonder, “What if they like that person more than me?”
Sometimes, the partner hasn't even done anything wrong. The fear is coming from inside.
Maybe someone was cheated on in a previous relationship. Maybe they were abandoned, maybe they grew up seeing relationships where trust didn't exist, maybe they simply don't feel confident enough in themselves.
Whatever the reason, those insecurities can easily enter a new relationship. And that is why I think we should sometimes ask ourselves difficult questions when we feel jealous.
Am I jealous because my partner has actually done something wrong? Or am I jealous because I'm afraid of losing them? Do I have a real reason not to trust this person?
Or am I allowing my own fears to create a problem?
Those questions aren't always easy to answer, sometimes the truth may even be uncomfortable because sometimes, the problem isn't our partner. Sometimes, it's something inside us that needs healing.
I also believe that trust doesn't mean you will never feel jealous. You can trust someone and still occasionally feel insecure, you can love someone deeply and still have moments where you think, “Hmm... I don't really like this.”
For me, that is where the difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy becomes very clear.
A little jealousy can sometimes remind us that we value someone. But jealousy should not become a weapon we use to control the person we love.
Because honestly, what is the point of having someone beside you if they only stay because they are afraid of your reaction?
I don't want someone to stay with me because I monitor them. I don't want someone to stop talking to other people simply because I'm jealous. I want to be with someone who understands boundaries and respects our relationship even when I'm not there watching.
That is what trust means to me. I don't believe love should feel like being under surveillance.Your partner should be able to have friends, they should be able to talk to people, they should be able to have a life outside the relationship and you should be able to do the same.
And I think healthy relationships give people enough freedom to be themselves while still respecting the commitment they have made to each other.
So, I think it can be both. Sometimes, that little feeling of jealousy can come from caring deeply about someone. But excessive jealousy, especially when there is no real reason for it, often has more to do with insecurity and fear.
And when that jealousy starts turning into control, constant accusations, checking phones, setting unreasonable rules, and trying to isolate your partner from other people, then I don't think we should continue calling it love.
Love needs trust, love needs communication, love needs respect, and most importantly, love needs freedom.
Not being jealous doesn't mean I don't love It simply means that I choose to approach love differently. I would rather communicate than accuse. I would rather trust than constantly investigate.
I would rather leave a relationship that no longer respects me than spend my days trying to control someone into loving me. Because, if someone truly wants to be with you, they will choose you.
And if they don't want to be with you, no amount of jealousy or control will make them love you genuinely. I think I would rather have a relationship where two people trust each other enough to breathe than one where they love each other but are constantly afraid of losing each other.
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