Since a few days I'm in deep thought about the content for my first post. I admire all those who dedicate their whole life to one topic. I can't. There are so many thoughts about all kinds of subjects in my mind. A lot of ideas, projects, interesting stuff. So much it would be enough for more than one lifetime. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by all this thoughts, my highly sensitiv perception and every emotion that flows through me - caused by this overload of stimulation I experience every day. Maybe I should start introducing myself trough writing about the coping mechanisms I developed and how I constantly update them.
You may ask why should I update perfectly fine working coping mechanisms? Well just because I'm coping it doesn't automatically means it's healthy. One quite common example: it's relaxing to drink a glas of wine after a stressful day. But do this everyday of the week you'll need two glasses a day next week to reach the same alleviation of tension. You see where this is going in the following months, years, decates? I could easily numb all those thoughts and feelings in my mind that stress me out. But they are still there and will be there when the soothing silence of dilirium passes. And I will have a new stressful topic to worry about: addiction. What to do? There are simplified three ways of coping. The first one, to forget, to repress I just described. But this method is neither healthy nor changes anything about the origion of the stress. Another possibility is to change your opinion about the topic. If you decide to train yourself to not care about stuff it can really be relaxing and is suitable for things that are out of your reach to change. 'Cause that is what you want to do. Change the situations that make you feel that way. This way you will be at ease and be empowered by your own strengh. It's easy to write this in theory. Much more complex is the reality. That's because we are human and not godlike.
My mechanisms are a blend of all three ways. Sometimes the most suitable thing to do is to numb the pain of beeing aware of the own existence. But it won't bring happiness. Another time the best you can do is to change your perception of the situation: my sensitive mind seaks peace, silence, calmness andto be honest I feel lost in this loud "higher, faster, stronger" mentality of our world. I feel lost in a society where everybody feels the need to be so unique and buys all those things everybody else can too. If you have money. I feel lost if my individuality is bound rather to the things I own than is defiend by who I am. I'm lost when that what makes me unique is declared as weak, useless and irrelevant for the system by the understanding of the general public. I could go on and on. Because that topic isn't finished with just my personale case. And so I use the second possibility I mentioned: I change my perception. I'm not weak or useless nor irrelevant. All my peculiar traits are an incredible strength. Why? Because my perception allows me to feel the world as it is and not what everybody wants it to be like. I may be suffering a lot cause of this but I am growing every day a little bit more. Everyday I change a little bit. Because I'm not bound to the faith behind the saying "We've always done it this way!" It's just to obvious: open your eyes and look around you. There is constant change everywhere, everytime. Seasons, aging, life, death. So why should I hold on to something just because someone in the past thought this would promise safety? We all seek certainty. Since the Unknown correlates usually with danger. Discovering, learning, understanding - knowing is what we can do best. Those abilities allow us humans to act based on realizations und predict certain situations. And we have this powerful tool as well. Can you guess what I mean? Language! It's so complex that we even can communicate about everything and understand each other. But in reality we don't. We don't even try to use the full potential auf our best skill. It's nothing special more a matter of course.
I could go on and on. But I think you're more interested in my coping strategy. 'Cause I believe I drew a really vivid literary picture of my existential thoughts, stress, crisis. So, what to do with all this? I can't change the world, thats out of my possibility. But I can cherrish those things that seem to be useless. I can enjoy the little daily changes. Like how the shadows change when the earth moves itself and around the sun. I can observe how nature changes over a year. I can recognize those little gestures you exchange with a loved one. It's not the big, fast, loud things that will stay in your memory. It's those things that just are. Truthfully. I die eventually but I don't have to hurry throu life. It's not a competition. It's a journey. And if I decide that traveling slowly with patience and calmness is the best for me, then I will do that. I have a choice. Because I matter.
(Except I travel with the speed of light, then I'm energy... But aren't we stardust? So we actually are traveling with the speed of light. Hm, I have to think about that a little bit more. Maybe a topic for another post!)
I matter for my loved ones. For those I met and changed their view on life just because I am. And for myself. We search for meaning in this universe because we think if our existence has no meaning it is worthless. But it's not. You give meaning to something. Give yourself and your existence meaning. 'Cause you will always be there with yourself. Until you die. Make peace with yourself and enjoy this journey called life. Just stop and admire existence. Go out in the deepest coldest winter. Into the forest where everything is so quiet due to the snow. And just appreciate the way of the shadows behind the trees. The sparkling reflections of the sunlight on the snow. Allow yourself to watch something small that catches your attention until it fills every part of you. Take your time. Because time is the most precious thing you will ever encounter.
yours: >.<
