Personal Essay
“a haunting of self”
Q: What is it like to truly be yourself?
A: It’s as if one part died so the other part could live.
to be born again;
implies something bloody
and new
It’s been one year since I cut my hair off, almost.
There’s something alluring about the darkness; the shadow self. That portrait of the woman with her hair shaved off gives me chills.
And all of a sudden, with a head full of hair — I wasn’t happy.
It felt fake,
smiling all the time too.
But this time I knew,
I could survive the wreckage of any knife.
My life flipped upside down; change and garbaging spilling everywhere.
There I am;
still, picking it all back up.
I am happy where my old self would have only seen failure; trust me, I knew them well. I am redefining who I am. Who I’ve always been.
I feel joy rising.
The problem with my old dream was that I wasn’t happy except for with a billion dollars.
I wanted to be thrilled to be alive
without some high bar stipulation.
So, I changed.
some say for the better,
some say for the worse.
some say I’ve lost my mind,
some say I’ve got the gift.
I am not sure which is which.
I can not force everyone feel the way I do; I know that.
some will call it a haunting picture
others will
like it.
My grandmother always said my darkened circles were inherited from her.
A defining feature;
My worst?
Or my best?
Do they all see through me?
She thinks of me.
He remembered me.
I even have memories of my own.
No one knows me.
Except god,
And I am not sure they exist.
I am sure I exist.
Happy birthday
Friend of a friend
I used to know.