I have no rules on here. I can post whatever the fuck I want.
And even if I was slightly interested in politics -- I'd do that.
I'd write and write and write and write and write and write.
In the face of death; and in the face of having to live life.
I speak from the heart,
I made friends with the monster under my bed,
I made friends with my shadow,
And I made friends with all the voices in my head.
If I said it,
I meant it,
And I'll stand by
my every last word.
I have too.
I have to treat life
like its motherfuckingmagical
I have to act like
I am going to live up to my dreams
or die trying.
Maybe I'll always be the underdog
that eats hopes and dreams for breakfast.
Maybe I'll always
a disaster.
And it doesn't matter;
because I'll spend my life
working it out
with myself.
I am always worth it.
My words are worth it too,
Because I speak from the heart.
((and maybe I'll connect with a human or two)).
these pictures are taken around 2012-2014.
I think these pictures are some of the worst pictures I've ever taken. It's sort of hard to look at them actually. I guess the reason that I do is -- I have to love her. This was at the peak of "mother please love me".
I wanted to be a mother myself so badly;
I also desired my mother to love me so badly.
My mother is religious and I think I wanted to please her. And I was going to do it intellectually; I was going to be the realest Christian around. I was going to follow the bible, the culmination of god's word -- I was going to do this to show my mother how right she was. I imitated her to an extreme degree perhaps because I did not want to compromise myself in this religion. I wanted to actually believe -- and I did.
I believed in god for a long time.
I thought I would die believing.
who am i?
I have to love these ugly part of my narrative and truly understand that this mindset was not my own. I allowed it to overcome me in trade for what I thought I would receive -- my mother's approval.
So when I followed the bible down to the letter; really devouring "god's" word; I started to be convicted that skirts were for woman and pants were for men. I was in this phase for that two year period. I didn't really stop until I stopped believing. If there was one thing I was convinced of -- skirts were biblical.
Progressive Christians are in denial or they are actively lying to themselves. I am still convinced it's cherry-picking, or the Amish. And it's pretty black and white.
I am not sitting her fretting if the Muslim god is true or false. Why? Because I am not from that culture. My parents raised me in the Christian tradition and that's all I know. If I was raised differently; I would have loyalties to a different god. Humans create and craft gods in most of all society, and I am no different. I just know the god of my higher projection is a sense of self not a diety in the sky. That's the difference.
So when I pray to Mother Earth, or God the Father -- or Lord or whatever name I choose to give God. The name doesn't matter, the inmost of me is the god I serve above. It's the golden me; the one self who is projecting the path that I follow from the heavens above. It's a creative solution to my ever curious mind. That's my spirituality.
I am going to make mistakes online. I am going to write the wrong thing. I am going to share or say or post or do something "bad" or "inappropriate" in other people's eyes. Some things I do not care what others perception is -- I do what I will. And there will be certain things that will trigger me to become a better person and evolve again. Each time, both in the higher vibrational plane and the lower -- I speak from my heart, and I meant what I said.
There is ownership of my vocabulary that is happening in my healing process. I wrote a lot this summer and now it is winter outside. It is right about the time when I long for spring and summer. Perhaps, that's when I feel the best because that was the time of year I was born. I love the feeling of the sun until I begin to miss fall. And there is something about the winter that makes the summer that much better.