“When You Change The Way You Look At Things, The Things You Look At Change.” -Wayne Dyer
I was listening to one of Wayne Dyer’s talks the other day and I came across the quote above that inspired me to write this.
So many of us continue looking for happiness outside of ourselves or look for love outside of ourselves. You hear it all the time, "When I'm a millionaire, then I'll be happy. When I find true love, then I'll be happy. When I finally get this weight off of me, then I'll be happy. When I get a better job, then I'll be happy. When I'm finally done with school, then I'll be happy."
That is not delayed gratification. That is insanity.
The reason I say that is because not only are you saying that you're not happy now, but you're also saying that a circumstance needs to change for you to get into a better state of being. You are literally saying the outside world needs to be different so my inside world can feel good. In essence, you are giving your power over to these outside circumstances. These things are in control of your emotional wellbeing.
Nothing needs to change for you to feel happy.
Let's just start there. Nothing needs to change for you to feel happy. The minute you realize that fact you begin to take your power back. If I hear you say, "Larry, you don't know my life. Nobody could possibly be happy under these conditions." You’re right I have no idea what your conditions are, but I know that your inner world dwarfs your conditions. Whenever I hear, "Take your power back," this is what I think of.
My friends, this is the real work. This is the only job that you will ever need to do. It is to figure out how to turn everything around in your mind or let go of all of the judgment about your conditions, or a combination thereof. So that you can vibrate on a higher level of happiness, of acceptance, of love and joy, without anything ever needing to be different. This is true power. Asking the outside world to change before you change is like asking the person in the mirror to smile at you before you do. It is impossible.
Things needing to be different before we feel happy shows up very fascinatingly in relationships, especially those of parents and children. You don't have to go very far to hear a parent talking down to their child. Saying things like, "Do this, don’t do that. Stand up straight. Walk tall. Eat the whole plate. Be quiet. Stay where I can see you. Don’t touch that, don’t embarrass me." All words expressed in a vain attempt to control someone else so that the person who is saying those things, can feel better. It's almost as if we want little machines that don't speak out, that don't dance or play or be loud. Anyway, that's another article for another time.
What I'm saying is anytime you want anyone or anything, or a particular scenario to change so that you can feel better, there is something wrong with you. One of my favorite authors, Abraham Hicks, says it this way: "It's so funny to us hearing a parent say to a child 'Don't be selfish. Do what I want you to do.' It is the definition of hypocrisy.” I'm not telling anyone how to raise children. I'm simply saying we need to take a step back and look at what's happening because I'm sure we've all had parents that treated us the same way. They had dreams and expectations for us. As if their dreams had any bearing on what our inner self-wants or what our passion is.
The only job a parent should ever have is to give the space for a child to truly know itself and understand the world around it. Knowing that they were born with a guidance system and all they need to do is learn how to listen to that inner world within them. So that the fearless self-talk, the imagination, the belief that they can create anything stays with them instead of being drummed out like we often do. Anyway, enough about child rearing.
What about the relationships with our lovers? It's always fascinating to me when we reach that point in a romantic relationship where you start to wish that the person was different in some way. We stop loving everything about them and start seeing the flaws come to the surface. We begin to think, “I wish she was a little bit more decisive. I wish she was a little nicer to my parents. I wish he was better with money. I wish he had a better sense of humor.” Then comes the nagging, nit-picking, and pointing out what they see as wrong. “Don't drink too much. Make sure to call your father. Clean up after yourself. Don't do this, do that. Why do you talk like that? Why do you let people at work walk all over you? Why didn’t you call me back? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We are trying to change someone else so that we feel better. How ridiculous is that? Just think about it. Don't do what you want, do what I want. Don’t act like who you are, act like I want you to act because that'll make me feel better.
If you cannot fully accept someone, then how are they supposed to fully accept you? Can you fully accept yourself? Maybe that's a better question.
No, my friends, no one will ever change. If you can accept that, then maybe they will. That's the paradox. Accept that they will never change, the only thing that can change is how you think about them. That is your power, that is your job. Could you see only the good and let go of the bad? Or, is the bad so terrible that you can't see anything else? I would tell you to get away from those people if the bad is that bad. But, here's the thing. You take yourself with you wherever you go. The problem will just keep persisting until you truly start to look in the mirror and change what you see. Please do not touch the mirror, change the person you are if you want to see change.
When I wrote this it wasn't quite finished, so I went about my day, and it happened to be my birthday. As I was walking I got so many texts, FB messages, and emails, "Happy Birthday," from people all over the world. Super-grateful for all of them, and yet my mind went to the people who didn’t send me anything, who forgot about me. One person, in particular, my mind got stuck on. I thought to myself, “When I talk to her, I'm going to give her some shit. I'm going to guilt-trip her.” This is seriously what I thought. “I'm going to guilt-trip her until she feels bad, and then she'll remember next year.”
A bad feeling came in my chest from thinking about this situation and then it slapped me in the face. I said out loud, "Why would I ever make someone else feel bad because I wanted them to change. I wanted them to love me how I wanted to be loved." I thought to myself, this is exactly what I'm writing about. This is why I love what I write because I learn just as much as I teach, if not more.
I am thankful for the awareness because after that moment, I'm like, "No. I’m not doing that, I'm letting everybody off the hook." Nobody needs to be any different for me to be happy, and I don't want to think about hurting anyone or being hurt on my day. So what if they forgot. How many birthdays have I forgot about? Thank God for calendars and Facebook reminding me. Otherwise, I'd be screwed.
Point is, this wanting others to change so we can feel happy shows up more often than we think. Any time we want to tell somebody what to do with their life or what to do with their day you can bet this is the underlying cause.
My happiness is my responsibility. Your happiness is his responsibility. Do whatever it is that makes you happy and I’ll do the same knowing that no one else is in charge of my happiness but me. “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.”
This also affects the world around us. Does the world need to change for you to be happy? If you say yes, then you know what you need to work on. Do we need to stop pollution before you're happy? Because the mind that thinks that something else needs to change will never truly be happy. You will never be in alignment with All That Is because All That Is, The Universe that created everything is also creating those things you believe need to change. Such is the paradox. If you are inspired to go change those things, great. If you can see a better world in the future, great. But you have to accept the world the way it is now and love it for what it is, divinely created just like you.
It's a razor's edge, but it starts with you. It starts inside of us. Take your power back by saying, "I can be happy now. I am at peace inside regardless of the world around me." That is unconditional happiness. That is true inner peace. When you focus more on what is going on inside of you. When you're aware of the intentions that are attached to the words that come out of your mouth. When you are aware of the way you are perceiving the world. Then you can choose what kind of world you live in and role you play in it.
“Be the change you want to see in the world” -Gandhi
Good Journey My Fiends
