New Year's Eve
There is a knife that cuts deep
every time the skies tremble
and the air thickens with the ash
of cloudy withering flowers
in the night sky
December 31, 2015. 1:20 AM;
my grandmother's body
gave up
My thoughts on this poem:
I think that first line is already cliche. The "knife the cuts" metaphor has been used many times and shows that I am not sure about what the persona I've created in the poem is actually feeling.
In the second line, I attempted to highlight the chaos the persona feels by focusing on the physical feeling of the sound the persona hears in the environment the persona is in.
In the third and fourth line, I tried to emphasize the feeling of longing and loss of the persona by expressing them in terms of the atmosphere the persona experiences.
I emphasized night time to express that even against the fireworks, the persona is still sad.
The sixth line is, what I think, the downfall of this poem. Explicitly saying the date and time means that I have failed to use the most powerful aspect of the poem: conveying message through images.
I tried to close the poem by showing why the persona feels as such.
I have not written for a long time and I would like to start again by improving this single verse poetry. Steemit community, please help me improve it :D
