To be fair my grandmother didn't pass away, but I did attend three funerals in less than a year. Which is a lot for me. Considering it was a year after COVID and the majority of the deaths were elders. I was surprised they survived a global pandemic and then passed the following year from old age. In 2021, there were at least three funerals in the first couple of months. These passings were of individuals that lived long lives. Some of them lived the last few years in peace with family. Others lived the last few years not so peacefully. They fought the reality of poor health and limited physical ability. The frequency of these deaths was so much that self-reflection was unavoidable.
From my experience living with family can be hard, and it appears taking care of them later in life can be just as challenging. Below are my thoughts on two specific experiences. My mother taking care of grandma and a friend caring for her mother.
For this story, I will refer to my uncles as my mom's brothers and the siblings are mom and brothers grouped. Grandma is my mom's mother. Grandma is almost at the point where living alone is too dangerous. However, she fights the idea of living with her children. Even so, last year, 2023, she spent most of the year bouncing from one house to another. At my mom's house, she cooked, cleaned, and kept to herself. Even when the family gathered she would keep to herself. Often going to her room in order not to bother anyone. Her reasoning not mine.
She would go days without wanting to eat, so mom took her out to her favorite restaurant. She would complain about going out to eat so mom would cook. She would complain about not having her own kitchen. So Mom would buy whatever she wanted to have her cook, but she said she was too tired from gardening the previous day to cook. Imagine this situation over and over again day in and day out. After about six months, Grandma went to be with one of the brothers up north. The brothers would go on extensive road trips and travel with Grandma and the complaints would not end. It's easy to be upset with her, but then...
I imagined myself in her shoes.
She is living completely outside of her comfort zone. All efforts are well intended, but not what she wants. She wants to go home. She wants to live in her home, with her items, and not feel like a guest in another person's home. Imagine living outside a suitcase completely dependent on others for basic daily needs. Grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, and money for these needs as well. Watching this season in my grandmas' life, I ask myself at that age, how do I want to spend my final years? How much of it will depend on my family to support me?
Would it be different if it wasn't grandma with mom? What if the person was significantly younger? For example, My friend's mom is about 30 years younger, but she isn't healthy. Her health has been declining over the last decade or so and it has come to the point where she must live with family yet again. The health challenges are a daily struggle with medication, diet restrictions, and other ongoing health issues. Every day there is a different doctor's appointment, she doesn't drive, so transporting to and from is VERY time-consuming. Juggling at least 5 different doctor appointments weekly is just the start. These are all the logistical challenges, the mom also challenges the daughter on all fronts.
For example, the mom feels back pain from not moving but doesn't want to walk. The mom can't eat certain foods but refuses to eat what she is allowed. It's beyond frustrating for my friend and I haven't even told you the half of it. Out of love for her mom, my friend has taken on the caregiver role and will continue to do so until the end. In reflection, I wonder about health during the season before death.
It may seem morbid to talk about death or the season before death, which isn't my intention, my intent in writing and reflecting about this season is to live and enjoy retirement until the very end of life. Call it retirement, call it empty nesters, call it what you want. None of us can escape this season. It's how long that season will last and how well one lives in it is where I've been reflecting on. We can prepare for it and hope for the best because ultimately it will come. When it comes, what are your thoughts, hopes, and plans?
