Essential Steemfest Knowledge: Hookers, Blow, and Offensive Language in Polish
It's about the time of year again where we'll see all of those, "look how cool Steemfest is," type posts. Oh goody, even more, shit to be jealous about. If Ned’s perfect hair wasn’t already enough, now I have to watch all of the hot travel bloggers swoon over him.
To everyone who is attending, I'd like to say congratulations! I hate you all, and I hope that your seven months of preparatory teeth whitening for the event still wasn't enough.
No matter how much you paid for your upgraded ticket you're still not one of the beautiful people, and you will see soon that you are going to be put in the back row of the group photo like the peasants you are. The depression will inevitably set in at some point during your trip, and you will likely be squirming in your seat sipping your fruity girl drink hearing how "SMTs are going to change everything" for the millionth time wishing for a massive asteroid to land on your face.
I envy you. I truly do.
Eventually, you'll get cabin fever and want to get away. Then you'll realize you're in Poland.
"Let's lift our spirits by going to the Auschwitz genocide museum," said no one ever.
Even though you all are fuckers, I'll help you out. I did some extensive research (3 minutes of Googling) and have found the essential knowledge you need for Poland: The price of hookers, the price of cocaine, and some random curse words.
Hookers:
Firstly according to what I've read prostitution is legal in Poland. Interestingly enough, brothels are not legal, and it seems as though legislation is in place to try to keep pimping from taking place. The good news for you is that police turn a blind eye to the brothels, and they operate under the thin guise of being saunas and solariums.
"Hey bro, come check out my sweet solarium. We just installed a glory hole."
A moderately priced prostitute will cost around 200 zloty which ends up being about 66 Steem at the time of writing this. I'm sure you can re-coop some of that cost when you write about how Steem helped keep you from being a virgin nerd forever.
Cocaine:
And they said Krakow was cheap. Pffft.
You can't have hookers without a bit of cocaine to keep the night going. 1 gram of shitty cocaine laced with lidocaine (as it happens a lot in Poland) will cost you around 100 -125 Steem. In all fairness that's not too far off from the prices in the US, but It's a far cry from the mind-boggling Colombian price of $3.50 a gram. (Maybe Steemfest 4 should be in Colombia 
So unless you started powering down a few weeks ago a coked out night with one of the trending homies seems like it's far off. You better stick with weed or something that you can get for like 10 Steem a gram.
Foul Language:
I can't guarantee the accuracy of this but I mean there are always a few words to memorize in every language. I took two years of Spanish, but all I can remember is how to ask where the bathroom is and how to call your mother a bitch. Here's a small amount of obligatory knowledge for Krakow that I could track down on the internet.
Dupek - Asshole
Suka - Bitch
Chuj - Dick (much more offensive than its use here)
Pizda - Cunt
Kurwa - Whore (also used in the same way Americans use "fuck")
pierdol się - Fuck you (This one is pretty much the consensus on internet forums.)
It gets a little murky here because I'm getting different answers and variants from the Google machine. As this Reddit user said, "Each fuck in Poland is like a snowflake."
Use this knowledge wisely everyone. Make sure you all stay safe and have a lot of fun. Don't circle jerk too hard and while you're curating the Steemfest tag this week don't forget about your old buddy 
Love you all.
And oh yeah, if you were one of the lucky few I mentioned that is going to Steemfest I want to say:
Jestes taki chuj. - Which translates to, "You are such a dick." (Pronounced "yes-tesh tah-kay hooy").
Edit:
I was messaged in private on the steem.chat that I was cursing incorrectly. This was the explanation I received:
polish your cursing in Polish: curse like a pro: taki -> takim and chuj -> chujem (declension)
(in your last sentence)
so it would be "yes-tesh tah-kim hooyem" (kim as in Basinger, Kardashian or Jong Un, em as in empathy)
If you ever want to contact me or just hangout in the community we’re building feel free to join us at https://discord.gg/mKMtVj or message me on steem.chat