I used to be someone who would trust without hesitation. When I described someone as my friend, I was sincere, looking at that person like they had a part of me that I would not ordinary show to someone else. If I've got something on my mind, I'm spilling ut out, especially with my friends. Back then, I believed that was what any relationship was for. You talk, you share and you trust that whatever you say would not go beyond the circle. But most often than not, it's the people who you trust the most that end up giving you more reasons why you shouldn't be so open.
There was this one time I told a friend something small. It wasn't a secret or something I was ashamed of - just a regular talk that I didn't think needed to go anywhere else. After some days, I was with her in her room, her roommate then made a joke of the exact same thing I said. Everyone in the room laughed that day, including myself - it was that awkward laugh you give when you don't know what else to do.
I didn't say anything after what took place, didn't confront her or start an argument. I just... changed. Slowly, I started keeping things to myself. Our conversations became shallow, I laughed at her jokes, and I listened to her talk, but I, most times, remained quiet. She probably didn't notice that I was pulling away at first, but I was. I don't really get angry or yell at whoever breaks my trust, I just stop giving them something to break.
This is just one of my few experiences.
The funny thing is, when trust is broken, people often expect you to "get over it" easily. As if forgiveness and trust is the same thing. But they are not. I can actually forgive a person and never look at them the same way again. It is not out of resentment but self-defence. It is when someone has been hurt in a certain way, that they start to protect themselves, pay more attention to people's reactions and what these people say about others.
Trust is a fragile thing. It doesn't take much to break it. You might not even realize how delicate it is, until someone betrays it in a way that you never thought you needed to mention.
How can you ever really continue to trust someone who has broken your trust before? Because even when you can get things back to normal, that niggling doubt would still linger. You start second-guessing everything, "Should I tell them this?". I believe that is what they mean when they say trust, once broken, is never the same. You don't stop caring, it's just the innocence of it is gone and it is now a decision you have to make every single time.
Lately, I have been trying to do something my father's mantra sums up well: Listen more. Observe more. Talk less.
Trust is more of consistency and action, and less of just words. It's knowing that this person would not laugh about something you shared with them. I do not even waste my time trying to repair or rebuild an already broken trust. When trust is broken, even when you try to fix it, the cracks will still show.
Thanks for reading...
