Out of nowhere I got a message on WhatsApp.
"Hey it´s me Martin, remember when we went through the paramedic course together? Wanna hang out this Saturday afternoon? My precinct and I are doing a BBQ."
Martin was one of the founding members of the paramedic club. He never struck me as the socialite type of guy. We were sort of friends in middle school, him always being less of a group person than me, having imaginary friends and being the weird kid. While I wasn´t the most popular, I was still mile ahead of him what lead us to part ways since our lifestyle just weren´t compatible, no matter how much I tried. But maybe, things have changed with him now doing BBQ´s, things could warm up between us. Needles to say, I was pleasantly surprised.
The day came and I put on one of my fancier shirts, groomed myself to perfection and went on my way. He told me to be there at 6 o´clock, so I was . The bell rang and:"Heyyy, Martin what´s... up?"
His grandma -a lovely lady I might add- opened the door. "Oh hello Miss Horn, I was looking for Martin, we were supposed to go to the Fire FightersBBQ."
"You are? Sorry dear, he already went ahead without you. But we are going as well, would you like to walk with us? We are almost ready to go out."
Being the gentleman I am I waited for them and we walked the 20 minute walk downtown to where the BBQ was held. Again, his grandparents are extraordinarily nice, but the small talk did not carry the whole way and it got awfully quiet, awfully fast. When we arrived they insisted that they buy me a Bratwurst, and I just couldn´t say no. After more small talk, I thanked them for the lovely (if too slow for my taste) walk and the free Sausage, got up and went looking for the guy who was responsible for me being there in the first place. Luckily the premises weren´t all too large, not much more than a big circus tent next to the station, so finding him should not be a problem. He was situated next to an ambulance with some people who I assumed to be his colleagues.
Time for the second attempt: "Hey, Martin whats up? Long time no see, how have you been?"
We exchanged pleasantries, but, he seemed distant, like his mind was scanning the horizon. Trying shift into talking to his colleagues I introduced myself to them, after he failed to do so. They did not care for me. At. All. The small fat one seemed even hostile and to this day I have no clue why.
I just said hello and wanted to chat. Not that he was less hostile towards Martin. Apparently he read the crowd well for once in his life and we bolted, him marching on with me close behind. I stopped following him when he went into the Fire fighters storage as I did not want to cause trouble, since I do not believe they´d like some random just wandering around there. I called the dude but he did not hear me.
So I decided to wait. 15 Minutes later he re-emerged back from the depths. "I gotta pick some friends up" he said. Nice, finally some of his actual friends, so we can get this party started. "I´m taking the ambulance." "Nice, can I ride shotgun?" His tensed tensed up. Again, I get it. They probably are all in the EMT services and don´t want a random in there. So I decided to wait, again. Luckily, after giving me a couple of additional death stares, fatty rolled away so I could relax in the deep sunset. 15 Minutes later, the ambulance came back. The passengers got out and left without interacting with either me or him. Dumbfounded, I asked what that was all about. "Well, I was tasked to get people to the event and back. You know, since I don´t drink, ever." My eyes widened. What? He is the taxi for the whole event using an ambulance to drive drunks there and back? "Ah, OK." is all that came out of my mouth, unable to quite yet process the information given to me.
Later, I would find out that the event had trouble getting enough guest so they wanted everybody to reach out to everyone they knew. Unfortunately for me he did not share that post on Facebook, only contacted me via messenger, otherwise I would have known. He did not care about reconnecting. I was just someone to fill his quota, while he tried to get on these peoples good side while doing their errands. I felt tricked. Tricked by the weird kid whom I tried to befriend and integrate into social circles, only to be left hanging.
His phone vibrated. "I have to pick someone up in Budenheim. Can you wait here?"
Budenheim? That´s forty five Minutes from here! I´m not going to wait one and a half hours for that guy to come back, standing here either alone or, even worse, with that contemptuous ball of hate.
"Sure buddy, have a good trip" is the last thing I said to him, then he went on his way. I walked over to his grandparents, thanked them again for the nice meal and time and said good bye to them. After this incident, I would never speak with the guy again.
I went home to play some games on my PC.
Later that day, at around 9-10pm, I was was chilling at my PC, enjoying the newly released Overwatch when my phone rang. It was a good friend of mine. He and his girlfriend wanted to go clubbing. His girlfriend, Suzie, and I were friends what feels like a lifetime ago, but we split ways. He sort of dissipated with her after they got together. I wasn´t too thrilled to meet her again, given the circumstances of our departure, but after the disaster that was the Fire fighters BBQ I was in desperate need of some good, mindless, outside world fun. And besides, my mantra is:"No good story ever started with: and then I stayed home and played video games all night"
Due to geographical limitations I was destined to arrive a little later by car, so I knew I could not drink, but fortunately, I enjoy dance music sober quite a bit so it did not bother me. While getting ready, Grant called again, asking if I could bring some cigarettes from the gas station on my way there.
I am quite a vigilant non-smoker, but I thought a sign of good faith would be a nice gesture to maybe be a way to become friendlies again. Pulling up to the station I saw it was deserted even if the light was on. I got out of my vehicle and approached the counter. Out of the back I can hear a guy yelling panicked:"Wait I´m coming! One sec!" Half a minute later the warden came running out of the back door, dressed in nothing but an open blue robe, Crocs and batman shorts. I asked for the pack of smokes, paid and left being none the wiser what he was up to in the back room.
At around 11pm I arrived at the night club, met up with Grant and Suzie, and proceeded to enjoy the club atmosphere. However I still could feel tension from Suzie, she did not seem pleased having me around. In High school me and Grant have been best friends, but their relationship seemed to work against that. After a round or two of drinks, no alcohol for me, she went to the bathroom and therefore the tensions lifted and we could hang out in peace.
She was gone for quite a long time and Grant got worried, so we headed to the toilets to wait for her there. It would turn out later that she somehow managed to lock herself into one of the stalls.
Positioning ourselves near the lavatories, we had to be standing smack in the middle of the hallway. This wasn´t a problem since it was 2,5m to 3m wide. Suddenly, I got tackled hard from behind. So hard in fact I could barely catch myself before actually falling. This is significant since I like to stand with my feet shoulder wide apart. Turning around I saw it was an uncharacteristically large black woman, drunk as a sailor with her two uncharacteristically small female white companions. Not saying sorry or even acknowledging my existence she went on her way to sit down on a bench 10 meters further ahead.
“Dude, you OK?” asked Grant, who is a lot smaller in frame and height than me. “There is soooo much free space, but she just went for you.”
“Yeah, I was just taken off guard, but I´m fine” I replied. I did not think much of it, drunks can be annoying at times.
5 Minutes had passed, we were still in place waiting for Suzie when I saw who I now refer to as Jane get up from the bench, reeling towards me. This time, I expected her to tackle me and braced for impact. Having the body tension helped me not moving a millimeter while she bounced off me down the small slope of the connector I was standing in. Again, I thought this was going to be the end of it, but after hearing a commotion I turned around. Jane and her two harpies, Oompa and Loompa where screaming obscenities at me.
“Who the fuck do you think you are? You fucking macho man! Do you think you are cool with your big arms?”
First of all: Yes I do. I train very hard for this and am proud of this achievement. Thank you for noticing.
I told them that she tackled me, and I was just standing there but they ware just screaming on. I just waited for them to leave, I don´t mind drunks screaming at me, I could not care less. Things escalated when she started pushing me. Not letting a second pass by I pushed her back. Not hard by any stretch but hard enough for her to land on her back. Whoops. Oompa and Loompa kept screaming at me after witnessing the shock of a violent response to a violent action while Jane got up without their help. I wanted to deescalate the situation by saying I did not mean to push her that hard.
Then I got a haymaker, straight to the chin by Jane.
Did I mention that I did -at this point- have more than a decade worth of experience in mixed martial arts?
“Lady, what the fuck are you doing!?”
I was being harder on a weekly basis in sparring, therefore I was just standing there, flabbergasted.
Then the second one hit.
“LADY STOP IT ALREADY”
Out of nowhere a bouncer came and pulled her off me. That did not stop her from trying, and succeeding to hit me for a third time.
Since we were standing so close to the ladies toilet which has its dedicated bouncer he was able to see the whole interaction. Her two harpies kept screaming at me how I was apparently the bad guy in this situation. I on the other hand started laughing and mocking her friends lack of firepower, offering her to borrow my dumbbells and that the first protein shake would be on me. Also I
Oompa got up in my face, well my chest area while the bouncers handled Jane.
“The fuck are you gonna do? Punch me as well? You cannot hurt me!”
Well she tried to punch me in the face but did not reach it and left after failing. I laughed even harder. The head of security approached me and asked me to follow him and his colleagues to a quieter part of the club. After doing so I could explain in peace to the man what happened.
Well, I say in peace but Jane kept screeching how she is going to call the police because I apparently assaulted her and how I had to follow her outside. My whole response was:” No, I´m going to do exactly do what the nice bouncer is telling us to so shut it.”
The bouncer that separated us first told me he saw everything and that, if she decided to charge me, I should charge her back and go to the ER because that always looks better in order to prove that I was actually the victim of the situation.
She screamed how she was bloody, because she scraped her elbow falling on her butt when I defended myself and she knew how horrible that was because she and her friends are nurses.
This went on until the head bouncer got her kicked out he had enough of them.
She also got a lifetime ban from entering the premises.
When I wanted to leave the club to go get my reddened cheek checked out I was actually approached by police. The crazy bitch actually called the cops on me and intended to sue me for aggravated assault. After explaining myself for the second time, deliberately including the first tackle and telling them I was going to charge her they made photos of my cheek and concluded I was the victim of a drunken rowdy.
They also got a statement from the bouncer and Grant who both witnessed the interaction.
“I mean I haven´t even been here for an hour and did not drink anything” I said in a passing comment.
The other police officers eyed widened. “You did not drink? Would you mind proving that to us? It can help in your trial quite significantly.”
So I answered “Yes, I would love to, thank you very much.” Blowing into the device showed I was sober as a nun. The officers told me she was causing problems all night long and this was not their first interaction. After Jane was gone reasonably long I was sent on my way, thanking the officers again.
Meanwhile Suzie managed to get out of the stall, somehow. I drove myself to the ER with them as passengers since they were my witnesses and they did not want to let me go alone just in case. The doctor was really nice and I had a lovely chat while he checked if I had broken bones and even got me a free hepatitis shot, just in case, what I found very nice of him.
The only thing that really annoyed me that evening was about to happen. Suzie only talked about her experience, being locked in a stall like an absolute retard. Suzie, that´s why nobody likes you! You are so incredibly egocentric that I can literally be assaulted by a drunk, get questioned by police, get sued for assault for something I did not do, drive myself to the emergency room and I´m still not the most fucking interesting person that night!?
I got a letter in the mail. I was being questioned on the claim that I was both accused and accusing someone of assault. It was weird telling my boss that I needed a day off to go to the police and the news spread like wildfire in my workplace.
I drove to the police station to give my statement. Now I need to give you the bare bones version of German prosecution law so you understand my reasoning, so bare with me for a sec.
There are three types of charge
-Instantaneous: Speaks for itself
-Not Charging: You do not charge, and will never be in the future again.
-Postpone your decision for 3 months, where you can choose from option 1 or 2 again.
I decided to postpone, because Jane, who was scheduled to giver her statement earlier that week did not show up. My hypothesis is that she was really embarrassed and if she did not show up police would drop the case. They did not. I told him that I hold no grudge against her and only did get police involved in an attempt to defend myself and if she chose not to charge I would do the same.
It might have been justified to charge but here is my reasoning why I did not do so. Firstly, I was busy with quite a large amount of other problems in my life at the time and did not have the time, energy or motivation to go to court over what is essentially a drunken, yet one sided fight.
Secondly, assault is a felony. And felonies are punished by dividing your salary by 30. The amount of times you have to pay that division is what the court decides. So even if she got convicted, my payout would have been minimal at best. So not worth the hassle.
Eventually she let the charge drop and so did I. Some people have pointed out that I should have charged and that it could have absolutely destroy her since she was working in a field where social credit is very important.
I´m not sure if I subscribe to that notion. Yes, it might have felt good to “pwn” her in court and destroy her livelihood (what isn´t all that much to begin with as a nurse) but I can not do that in good consciousness over what might have been a singular lapse in judgment while heavily inebriated.
My hope is, that after all the emotions have settled, she remembers this day. Remembers how lucky she was, that she encountered me and not a less well tempered guy. Because she tried to hurt me, and all I did was laugh at her. All her power, even though her frame is untypically large do absolutely nothing to me. I hope that haunts her for the rest of her life.
