I’m choosing to write about this today, because this is one of the sources of genuine happiness, knowing that you love and you are being loved back, unconditionally. There are different kinds of relationships being formed on a daily basis; normal friendship, extreme friendships, friendships with monetary and sexual benefits, friend-zone friendships, dating relationships and so many other kinds of relationships that haven’t been named yet. Like this kind of friendship I have with a guy who knows I have a boyfriend but is waiting for me to breakup with him so he can have me (awaiting relationship friendship) .
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Relationships are connections built mainly on love, likeness or admiration for a particular character and trust. Relationships have different meaning to different people, and people have different ways of connecting with their partners or acquaintances. The basic reasons relationships are formed, is to feel love and affection. Secondly to have companionship and someone you can express yourself with.
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Love on the other hand is a complex set of emotions associated with feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth and respect for another person. Love encompasses a variety of different emotional and mental states, typically strongly and positively experienced, ranging from the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest pleasure. Love is usually unconditional and immaterial. Love doesn’t regard status; love is pure and full of sweet intent.
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Sex is scientifically defined as the thrust of a penis into a vagina, resulting in a measure of shared pleasure between two people who are either emotionally attracted or just physically attracted. Sex refers to all acts that can sexually arouse you such as foreplay and so on. Sex, is a form of connection but not the truest form of love.
I have separately defined each term, so that these points are understood.
My dad told me once that any one that has any reason in particular for loving or being with someone might not last long in the relationship. For example, mark loves angel because she is thin and fair. What of when she begins to add weight, and becomes darker? Love is being with someone for unknown pleasure and some sort of happiness that they give. People are not perfect. You are ready to accept, deal with his/her flaws and love them unconditionally.
So many people today don’t know where they are in their relationship. We strive more to please our partners sexually, than connect with them emotionally and otherwise. In fact, love has been mistaken for lust. He’s mad over your body, or she’s mad over your body but doesn’t know what goes through your mind, doesn’t know what’s important to you or your priorities. It’s sad that connection is now based on sex.
WHAT ARE YOU WITH HIM/HER FOR?
This one question is usually being ignored. Some people are with some people for love and hopes of getting married. Some people are with some people for material things, money and fame. Some people are with some people because of their body and good sex. Some people are with some people because they want to test their skills, or are bored. Some people are with some people because of unhealthy emotional feelings like fear of being alone, wanting not to be left out, some feeling depressed and thinking a boyfriend or girlfriend will solve the problem. Some people are with some people because they want to be happy and have companionship.
Before getting in to it, sit and think about it. For one, people's emotions are not a playing ground. It's not fair to mess with any one's emotions like leading a girl or guy on, and letting him fall at the end. it's best to make your reasons known. Having unhealthy reasons for having a relationship would eventually cause heart aches.
Check your maturity levels too. Some guys i know from a distance will tell all their male friends about their sexual adventures with their girl friends and partners, good and bad. Some will go as far as showing them their sex tapes and nudes. Things that are supposed to be kept private. Some are so paranoid if they see their partner having a safe conversation with another person, being super jealous.
Growth, emotional growth is essential. You should be ready to humble yourself, control yourself, bring no third parties, understand each other, forgive easily, learn to let things go, stop lying, be open, not be controlling, not deceiving, not being a pest, not rush things and condone your partners flaws.
WHAT DO YOU OFFER IN RELATIONSHIPS ASIDES FROM SEX?
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The first relationship I had, lasted ten months, and I had my first kiss with him in the tenth month. What did we spend the first nine month doing? Pillow fights, long talks on different issues that bothered us, fun outings and so on. He was my kind of person and I was his kind so it was easy for us to communicate well. We had arguments and stuff but seeing the level to which we had connected, it was easy for us to resolve conflicts. Before he met me, he was sexually engaged. But while we dated, the sex never came up. He valued me to the point beyond sex. He didn’t even kiss me till I was comfortable with it. So, I think it’s possible to have a meaningful relationship without sex.
Later on, he broke up with me for reasons I do not understand. But we are together today. He came back. They always come back.
We got talking and I asked him why he left and why he came back. He couldn’t really mess with me and he wanted to “ fun”. He eventually began to catch fun and realized most of the girls he was with at the time were no adding no value to his life. They sexually pleased him but didn’t want to bond or connect with him. Some of them had no values and even slept with his friends.
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The way I put out myself to him in the first place, showed him that I did respect myself and deserved respect. So he could not mess with me. So it shows that the way you carry yourself in relationship, determines the level of respect.
Sex is one of the components of a relationship, but if sex is taken away, what else do you have to offer? Take the finance away, what more do you have to offer? Emotional satisfaction is harder to obtain than sexual satisfaction. A man will sleep with a hundred women in a lifetime, but will spend the entire lifetime loving one that doesn’t do too much sexually, but emotionally satisfies him.
Assume your well to do partner loses his status and money and has no where to sleep or go, with nothing to eat, looking dirty and tattered. Will you be there?
LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION.
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Too much arguments aren't good i'd say. But no argument at all is the worst. What if the anger of your partner is like a time bomb? you'd never know till it shocks you. Arguments will let you know how he/she thinks and their dispositions towards certain things and areas of life. I'm not saying to argue, but to learn from it and grow. Look at them in the picture. They obviously just had a fight, but look at their hands. Any lessons learnt?
My dad is currently in Kaduna and my mum in Lagos. The weirdest thing about them is, they report the slightest things to each other. Neither of them have had sex, or any other form of physical intimacy in months, but they took to effective communication as the only form of intimacy. My DAD will call my mother In the afternoon to tell her he is hungry, or that he just had a flat tyre, or that the dog was doing stunts. It’s weird but psychologically, my mum would feel some sort of importance and trust. There’s nothing she can do about it, but their level of communication is enough happiness for her.
I haven’t seen my boyfriend in months. He’s in Lagos. We talk every single day about our dreams, or friends, or school work, or pimples, or weird things we try. We’ve laughed, argued, prayed over the phone. It’s the only assurance of trust.
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Talk about everything and be open. Hide no secrets at all. That way, you’d understand certain things you never did. You’d bond with your partner in so many ways asides from sex. You’d also build intimacy and he or she would always want to talk to you about anything and everything.
