I woke up this morning in a heavy experience of melancholy, guilt and self-sabotage in the form of being hard and unforgiving with myself. This may sound terrible, but it's not.
It isn't terrible because I've come to see my emotions as simply a result of something that needs re-aligning in my life.
I go up and down in life, mostly measured by where I stand with OCD and how I manage it. That is like my barometer for my process.
'My process' meaning walking myself from a default-mode robot that goes day to day with no awareness, to a living, breathing human being that walks her days eyes wide open, stable and aware of the detail of that which I am living.
Sound exhausting? It is not. It is light and airy, laser focus precise, rewarding and empowering.
What is exhausting is being a default-mode robot and then reacting to it, yet never changing. That is like prison hell.
So, why did I wake up in this state this morning. The answer is that I ran into difficulty in my process and went back into default-mode for fear of moving forward in awareness. I do this thing where I get to the precipice of change, look down and run back, full of fear. Funny though because every time I have walked myself through a change it has been thrilling, challenging and rewarding - never a long fall to my death as it appears at the edge when looking down.
I ran into difficulty and I stopped writing to myself like I'm doing here. I opened a page so many nights and days and didn't push through the block or the wall. Which is too bad because that is the real moment of the action of change.
I had a rough couple of weeks with my body, with feeling ill and migraines and accumulated stress, constantly tired and stiff. All this a result of this continuous pushing I fall into in my default-mode. Instead of hearing my body telling me to slow down, I push harder as if slowing down is a failure or weakness. I do see it is actually an incredible strength.
So it starts here:
My support words for this morning are 'slow' and 'gentle', along with 'directive-principle' meaning, I stay in the driver's seat. I am specific about this because, part of me wants to see living 'slow' and 'gentle' as taking it easy in every way and pushing nothing. BUT, I can be slow and gentle with myself but still push through the resistance to write, for example. Still push through the resistance to get up and get ready for my day.
Slow - the rhythm of my breath, the way I look and move inside myself while maintaining the necessary speed on the outside.
Gentle - forgiving with myself. When I see or feel those sharp flashes my internal bully lashes me with, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to gentleness by seeing the self-sabotage in this thought participation (as it only keeps me down and keeps me in emotion, not wanting to push or move or face me), and slowly lifting myself and moving myself toward what needs to be done next, watching myself, checking in with me all along the way. Which brings me to:
Self-directive principle - where I make the decisions of my current state and next moves in awareness. I do not accept or allow myself to fall into default-mode auto-pilot pre-programmed feelings and emotions that sweep me this way and that with no rhyme or reason. I decide, what is my next move, how do I experience myself right now, and who I am within what I am doing.
Slow and gentle self-direction, this is a better way to live, and who doesn't want to be better?
I think we all have that drive somewhere within us, we just have to tap into it.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully myself down into a submissive position within myself, disempowering myself into a point where it seems impossible to walk through the fear and discomfort of change, toward the other side where it is revealed that that walk is the most empowering and rewarding wall to walk through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change, to fear changing me for fear of the unknown, of who I will be, of how things will be different, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scurry back into my comfort zone where I know I do not want to be., but remain out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that I will be there to take my own hand, to walk with me, to ensure I am okay, I will be there and that is all I need.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a harsh bully with myself, internally treating myself the way no one should be treated, in ways which, if it were to be made visible, would break my heart and my spirit, which is actually what I am doing to myself inside myself when I don't keep my internal self in check and in line. I am here to support and nurture me - this is the new self-relationship I am developing.
I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to beat myself down, held myself back from change, created and generated so much fear, and not been there to support myself in any constructive way in moments when I needed it the most.
I commit myself to be here for myself, in support, encouragement, in-courage myself here walking through.
I commit myself to develop the skills and qualities of slowing down and being gentle with myself.
I commit myself to slowly and gently push myself to continue walking this process in awareness.
I commit myself to slow down and be gentle within while maintaining whatever needed speed or pace in my physical reality.
