I've readily come to the conclusion that I get in my own way. It's been made very apparent. However diving deeper into my ideas surrounding 'why', I've sort of come to this conclusion that the reason why I'm so stand-offish from "love" or something similar is because an aspect of me wants adoration, not love. Whether that be Ego or another portion of my self I'm not sure. When I think of love I see the beauty of holding my grandmother's hand, the warm feeling of holding someone in your arms and looking into their eyes. The feeling of when someone is coming that you haven't seen in a long while. These thoughts and memories connect me to the feeling of love, which I know I have.
But the being inside me, doesn't like those thoughts, those images and maybe even the feeling. Instead, she tends to want hands to caress her as she walks. Instead she envisions herself a lustful dream to those that catch sight of her. She doesn't desire love for love's sake, but for power. She see's how love can distort everything and she yearns for that power.
I'm struggling lately figuring out what I want. As many times as I've said I just want to be happy. Happiness comes in many forms, and I am fine living in two worlds. Once again I see I'm "okay with living in two worlds", maybe that allows me access to this other side of myself. Not distinctly my shadow, but a figure that plays in the shadows alongside it.
I took what my astrologer said very sweetly. She said my focus for this year and for many is not on love, but for myself , setting a foundation for my creativity and the self that wants to expand. And while of course I believe I want love and everything that comes with it...the ocean of milk churns and desires to leak and flood the material world. Be damned the feelings that come with it.
When I look into the mirror she looks back at me, wondering why I see myself so rigidly and fragile. She looks down on me honestly, aware that I'm weaker than her. Sometimes I just want to press my hand against the glass and switch places for a time. Like I used to do in college. Maybe that's where some of my issues psychologically came from, playing with shards of myself and allowing them to have life.
When I look into the mirror I see those eyes of lies. She's scared just like me. I'm afraid of not being loved and she's afraid of not being adored. Same feelings for different reasons. In a perfect world we would merge and dominate together. But we're on different sides of the universe and the only way to come together is that black hole I slipped into once before. But I need to grab my fucking balls and get over this slump. Accept all that I am and what I am not (currently). Become the God that I know I am and stop recoiling in the face of monsters, inside and outside.
I'm getting better about posting. I post here more than I have on any blog I've had in the past few years. Meaning I've just been sticking to posting. Which is new for me. I just want to be able to write again. And actually have the fire to do and produce work I feel is true to my spirit. It's slowly coming along...but I'm going to hope it's because she's beginning to trust that I can do the work too.
