It was first heart breaking to see this prompt as a topic in the hive learners community because in as much as I try not to think about it, I can't just ignore it. It's like a mirror I wake up to every single day, a burden that has given me an hunch back, an arrow continuously piecing me. But then I look into the mirror and smile, my hunch back now seems as my normal body figure, and the pains from the arrow now feels painless. Not because I can't feel the pain, but because the pressure of being a man stops me from reacting to the pain. The pressure hits so deep that I can't look at the my own self in the eye and cry secretly, because my conscious mind would make me feel weak and dejected. I'm only allowed to find comfort in my subconscious were I dream and fantasize about the life I wish, but for how long; only to wake up to reality hitting me back in the face.
I'm not writing this to get pity from anyone, what so ever, or trying to impress to get flavours. I'm simply taking advantage of a topic to express my self in a way I might only have one opportunity to do in reality; for real this time I can be me, not in my fantasy, but in reality. And since no one really knows me, everyone here will only get to read and forget all I have to say in time.
Yes it's true, we all go through pressure, we all go through pain, we all go through hurts, and we all try to console our self with the saying "it's all a part of life". But then, it seems that's the only part of life I only get to experience as an adult. Others will say what you have been through, someone else has been through same on even worse circumstances which mounts another pressure of realizing I can come out of this present predicament only to be faced with another pressure of not knowing what is next. Even when I get to experience something good, there's a pressure of not wanting to let it go knowing fully well the pressure it took to get to the point of having such experience.
Now this all sounds crazy, because it's as though I'm no longer qualified to have something good happen even when a part of me knows fully well how much I worked for it to happen and how much I deserved every bit of it. But then it's impossible to enjoy it to the fullest, because even as I do deep down somewhere in my heart, there's a pressure of "what if" forcing me to push even further and further.
I wish I could fully pour my heart out, and be at peace, but then it's as though the only time a man can truly rest is in death. I wish I could pin point every issue as it is in my heart here, but just like the dumb trying to speak out, I feel limited In my own voice. The worse pressure is in knowing the more I shout, the more I'm not heard, but I can't stop shouting because it's the only sign of hope I have. This is a piece of me, which will be forgotten soon, sorry it came out in riddles, but that they say is the beauty of life, it's like a riddle we can never fully understand. I wish I could really tell a story, but time will fail me, my pressure story was suppose to come from my relationship life, But even that was a riddle that ended in 2016.
Thanks for stopping by my blog today, until next time.
