While growing up, I always loved having plans and controlling everything, I don’t know if it was because when I was a child I didn’t have much control over anything in my life, or maybe, it was part of some instincts that I don’t remember where it came from but, I was stuck being a “control freak” as most people would call it.
The sad part about always wanting to have control and plan everything is that often “life happens” and most days, even with plans, not everything went our way which I didn’t realize much until I graduated from the university.
Before graduating, I had the majority of my life planned; I was a scholarship kid that graduated with a second class upper, and every teacher I had would often praise how smart and intelligent I was, in their words, “I was a well-mannered girl with so much potential”, and I guess I knew this already.
My plan revolved around doing the one year of military training in my country and immediately getting a job because even though there were barely any jobs in my country, I had hope and I was “different”.
Well, I finished the one year and I had nothing, in the end, I practically had to move back home which wasn’t part of the plan, and I was unemployed for two years.
During this time, things came, didn’t work out and I practically lost hope in life, I fell in love and out also, which made me realize that the plan of getting married at 25 wasn’t happening.
It took time, but I finally felt like I was grasping life, I was gaining some form of control, but recently, I have been faced with a lot of situations that make me feel like I have no control over anything.
I am currently working to change a career path which is a bit hard, I feel like I am falling out of my faith which makes me feel guilty, and also, my relationship seems to be on a tread because of certain differences such as religion, etc.
On days like this when I feel like I don’t have control, I would usually go to music because it has always been my solitude, and the two songs that have kept me going are waves by Dean Lewis and you can always get what you want by The Rolling Stones.
Dean Lewis who is one of my favorite artists sings about being caught in the middle of everything and having no control which is how I feel right now.
My favorite verse in the song is;
The freedom of falling
A feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
I'm trying hard to let go
It comes and goes in waves
It comes and goes in waves
And carries us away
I think this speaks volumes about my life and how everything feels like it is slipping through my fingers even though it took years of planning.
Even though most people would say that this song relates more to a relationship, Dean himself said it was about how life dwindled before our eyes which makes a whole lot of sense to me.
The thing that gets me about the song by rolling stones is the chorus, “you can’t always get what you want” and I had to come to that realization that things wouldn’t always go my way which is sad, but, it is what it is and, even though it wouldn’t always go my way, I’ll always try and do my best.
In the end, I guess that is the thing about music, finding comfort in the lyrics of others and knowing that others have gone through what you are going through and they probably came out fine and while I am not there yet, it does help to know that I am not alone.
I am still trying to figure life out and the plan right now is to take it one step at a time, hopefully, it all works out.
