Just sitting back for a moment looking at what I'm doing now. I'm surprised by it. I just spent the morning, well sleeping in honestly, I remember when I used to get up at 5:30am without an alarm clock and go for a run. I'm not that hard corps anymore. I kind of miss being that way but not enough to drag myself on a PT run. Maybe that'll change, maybe the USMC bug will come bite me in the ass again and I'll feel motivated to pretend I need to be a warrior again, if only for fun. Maybe that's what's missing in my life? I'm sure Nymeria wouldn't mind if I took her with me on a run every morning...ah...yes...I think sleeping in is the problem. God, I love my problems these days!
Depression is hilarious when you stop and look at it. I don't know if the joke will ever reveal itself in words I can share, but I hope it does one day. I still hear voices every day telling me that I'm not strong enough, not fast enough, don't try enough, not smart enough, all those things that make for a nasty civilian. But I don't feel that way about other people. I don't hold it against anyone else for trying to lick up the last remnants possible of rest during a regular night of waking up at every sound in the neighborhood between nightmares. Besides, they gave me meds to solve that, and it worked. It really worked. It was amazing sleeping through the night and not remembering my dreams when I woke up. I loved it! But it made me incontinent and I'll never forget the realization that I was so lucky I could clean up after myself when it happened.
This is how you know when your meds are working: You're standing on a ladder dripping with piss, a puddle below you, your clothes soaked with it looking to see if it got any of your paintings or books and feeling, genuinely, nothing but gratitude for the good fortune that you can get up and down the ladder by yourself and clean up your own urine. I'm glad I got the chance to laugh it over.
And the opportunity to realize this: I'd rather keep the nightmares while I sleep then piss myself while I'm awake, so they can't be that bad. And this after realizing that incontinence, while uncomfortable and embarrassing and absolutely inconvenient isn't all that bad when you can clean it up yourself. I really can't complain, and I'd rather laugh anyway.
I think I'm just surprised at the things I miss. Surprised by those moments when I miss my ex-husband and miss getting up at the ass crack of dawn to stand in formation out in the cold and get a workout. Surprised because I realize that I was a good Marine after all, and it was a good marriage despite the things I didn't know. After the bad things that happened, that got hard to admit.
I think I might be growing up.
Image from: https://pixabay.com/en/german-shepherd-dog-running-animal-707063/
