If you read my Blog - A Walk Down Memory Lane - then you may be wondering what happened when I moved to Colorado. Well in this Blog I am going to tell you. If you have no idea what I am talking about - go back and find that Blog so you'll understand. Reading the second half of a story only makes sense if you know the first part, right?
Well, when I moved to Colorado I was starting my first year of Middle School. I was excited and nervous. I didn't know anyone and I didn't know what to expect changing from a country school to a city one. When I got there though, I made some great friends that helped make the awkward 3 years bearable. Middle School had its ups but it also had a lot of downs, although honestly all the downs were outside of school. My problems all started because of my complications with my father.
As I mentioned, my father went to Iraq because he got a great job opportunity. Because of where he was and the work he was doing we could only talk on the phone once a month, so we mainly emailed to keep in contact more often. But one day - I quit receiving emails. I quit receiving calls. It's as if he had vanished, and for a little while I honestly had thought he died. I became angry at the world, and my anger only intensified when I realized his girlfriend; my now Step Mother; was deleting my emails to him.
I never really liked Terra and she never liked me. I never liked her because I saw her as stealing my father away, and she saw me as the child her boyfriend loved more than her - so she had to get rid of me. Thats when she started putting herself in between us. You see I know she had his emails and passwords, because I would sometimes get emails from her - from his email. She would tell me he was too busy to reply, or that he didn't want to talk to me anymore - but she would pretend she was him. She made "evil step mother" real for me. I was young, but I wasn't stupid. The way she emailed was completely different than how he did - so it was so obvious. But she wasn't a complete idiot either; she would delete the emails and make me look like the psycho to my dad as I questioned him about everything that he had no idea about. So thus began my fathers and Is arguments. I yelled at him about problems he didn't think existed, and he decided ignoring the issues were easier than facing them. So he cut me off.
A few years had passed and I was still hopeful that my father and I would talk like we use to; then I realized he left Iraq and was home in Virginia. He got married to Terra, started a new life, and didn't decide to tell any of his 3 children. So he made the decision for the both of us to move on with our lives without the other. I was heartbroken and still deal with the broken pieces, but now it has been 10 years since we have really spoken or seen each other and all I have of him now are blurry memories.
I dealt with this throughout Middle School and into High School. Being rejected by my father made me want to reject the entire world. So I became problematic at school and at home. I started to ditch class in High School and experiment with drugs to numb the pain. I had depression and didn't properly deal with it. Then because I was acting problematic - I created more problems at home. It was a vicious cycle. It was the first time I was really going to live with my mother since I was 5 and I don't think either of us were prepared for how the other would act. I truthfully think we both grew a bit of angst towards the other over the years and when we moved in with each other we had to let out the anger. I think we had angst because I was always close with my father and she was always close with my brother, and I think it made each of us jealous. So when we were put together we had nothing to do except let out the angst we had built up; plus I had to let out the anger towards my father as well.
Now - what I am going to write next I hate to really talk about. Because looking back at it - it was the hardest time in my life. I've sat here and rewritten and deleted everything far too many times because it's hard to talk about. But here we go.
Like I said: my mother and I started to fight, and you would think as the years went by in High School we would stop; right? Wrong. Our fights only got worse. My mom learned from her mother to punish with your hands instead of your words. So my mother and I would end up getting into fights which would then turn physical. I would say something stupid and make her do something stupid and then I started to resent my mother because of it. Now - don't get me wrong. I am not saying this was all my fault - nor am I saying it was hers. I am just saying we both played a part in the shitty events that happened.
I'm not going to write about everything that happened now. Because if I did I would end up writing a book. All I will say is this: I love my mother today - but I didn't love my mother in High School. I hated her. Going home was like being put into a prison. I lived with a warden and I was the inmate. I didn't feel welcome. But how could you feel welcome when you were being kicked and punched everyday? I remember having to wake up extra early just to try and cover up all my bruises before school so no one would find out, even my friends. I didn't want to be the laughing stock because both of my parents didn't love me. I just wanted to hide away. So that's why I ditched. So I could avoid the problems. Silly me.
After way too many fights; social workers got involved; amber alerts were made; mental hospitals; and therapists - I was finally transferred to an Online High School to help relieved some of the stress. Which thankfully it did. I started to improve my grades, and actually ended up graduating early because I was able to double up on classes and push through them. When I started to improve my grades and get over my angst towards my father - my mom and I started to somewhat get along. It wasn't perfect. We still fought a lot, but it was a huge improvement to almost murdering each other every night. Sadly though, me moving out ending with a bang and us arguing because my mom just couldn't accept I was moving on.
To keep a long story short, she was upset that I was going on a trip a different day than I told her, so she kicked me out a day before I was suppose to move out - on my birthday. Thanks for the great present, Mom. Thus began my adventure living with Dillon, my boyfriend, and his roommate, and my good friend, Alex. Which I can thankfully say has been amazing. Yes, there have been some problems and craziness that we have had to deal with; that's going to happen to matter where you are, but I will say that my problems compared to now are so much smaller to then. Which I am forever thankful for.
Now I am living in New Mexico, Rio Rancho, and I am just growing and glowing everyday. I look back at everything as a reminder that I can truly get through anything - no matter how hard and painful it is. I know that everyone says this but I truly am happy of the person I am today because of everything I have been through. Would I put myself through it all again to learn something new? Hell no. I went through hell and came out the other side blessed. I don't know if I would be so lucky a second time. But I do know that I am lucky in the sense that I have a strong head on my shoulder and a drive that will never let me back down to a fight. For that I will thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you for making me strong even if you didn't mean to. Thanks for making me realize that I am worth fighting for. Thank you for making me stand on my own - when others are afraid to, and thank you for helping me find power in just being myself, faults and all.
I hope that I can be a lesson to whoever is reading this that you can plummet to the bottom and still end up on top. Ironic, but true. I hope that my father is happy wherever he is - even if he's not happy with me. I hope my mother can forgive herself - because I can and am. I hope that I continue to look at the past and learn something from it. I mainly hope that I continue to look optimistically at life no matter what gets thrown at me - as I always have.
And that's my life up until now. Still a lot more things to mess up and fix. People to meet and lose. Things to learn and teach. I still have a lot more living ahead of me, and I am so happy to be excited for it instead of scared.And if you are scared just remember its only temporary. You got this. You are still growing and glowing with each problem.
Kat Rae
