Each day I have been waking up at around 5 - 6 am with so much anxiety that it's overwhelming. I thought it was because I was nervous about starting a new job - which I am - but it wasn't just because of that. I was clueless as to the real reason, but this morning I finally came to the realization as to why I have so much anxiety. I am not ready to go to Virginia and see my family. Mostly I am not ready to see one family member in particular... my father.
I've mentioned in a previous Blog that we haven't seen or spoken in 10 years, and I am going to see him now because of my brothers wedding. There is some excitement around going to Virginia - I mean I will get to hangout with some family I love dearly whom I haven't seen in a while. So that will be truly wonderful. But I am having to face my fears - rejection. You see I have always tried to hold the exterior of not caring about my father, but the fact of the matter is; I was completely shattered when our relationship fell apart and I still am in a way.
If I were to sit here and try to act like I wasn't affected then not only would I be lying to you but I would also be lying to myself. Which I really can't or won't do anymore. The real and honest truth is I am afraid to be put in a room with a man who made me feel so unwanted. Those were feelings that took a long time to get past and I don't know how I will do facing them head on now.
I don't know if I'll be pleasant or mean to my father. I don't know if I'll cry when I see him. I don't know if he'll even recognize me. Also I don't know what I'll say to him if it comes to that. Over the years I have rehearsed it in my head: I have so many hurtful things lined up but in the moment I don't know if those would even come to mind. The thing is I really honestly think I would just end up telling him... You hurt me more than I thought you or anyone could or would and I am forever broken at the fact that my own father couldn't keep a promise to me. A promise to not forget about me. I am broken that you chose to leave a perfect family for a mediocre one because for whatever reason it was better. Most importantly I am broken that I will always need you and want you in my life even when you don't deserve to be in it.
All I know is this: I have been through so much shit and I can go through more. Although it won't be pleasant I will be able to do it. I have always been able to push myself to do what had to be done and I will continue to do that. Even if I end up hurt it's not going to kill me. Pain is only momentary and I can get through any moment. Right now typing this and facing my truth I know that I can get through it when I realize I am my own inspiration and I will continue to inspire myself as long as I can. Some moments will get rocky but I will wash away my troubles until they smooth away. Just wait and see. Or in your case read.
Keep growing and glowing.
Kat Rae
