Right now I am sitting on my couch. I am watching the lighting going on outside. I love watching it although it truthfully scares me. Why? It scares me because I am scared of things I can't control. Like rollercoasters, bad weather, or people driving. But when I go deeper into things that scare me that I can't control I mainly fear not being accepted or liked. Which no one can control. Everyone has their own opinion of you and they will share it with whoever they want. I believe that we all are allowed to have our own opinions - but the thing is - not everyone needs to hear it.
My life revolves around the internet, and sadly, that is where people feel most inclined to share their opinion. I have a pretty good following on my social media platforms; not to toot my own horn; but I do and because of it I get a lot of people telling me how I should act or what I should and shouldn't do. Again, they are allowed freedom of speech and to feel however they want to, but haven't you guys heard the saying,"If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all?" Sometimes I get such rude and hurtful messages that it makes it hard to be my honest self in fear of getting more hate. Which is sad and I shouldn't have to be afraid. Yes - I still post what I want - but sometimes I tune it down. I could sit here and say that I don't care what you guys say but in reality I do. I know sometimes people just want to hurt my feelings and I let that slide; but other times its hard to do that. We all want to be loved - you know?
As the years pass I start to care less because I know that in reality all that matters is what I think of myself. But here is the thing - the reason it affected me so much when it first started is because I thought so little of myself. So when people would say something hurtful, I was already thinking it, so it only intensified how I felt. I had such low self esteem when I was younger because of being bullied at home and at school, so it was hard to get passed it. But slowly and surely I started to see through the clouds, and I started to not fear being more open and being more myself because I realized the beauty and freedom you have in getting to be yourself.
Some people think it's me being conceited, no, I just went through a very long period thinking I wasn't shit that now that I know I am the shit I'm not going to hold back anymore. Especially because since I act myself, I have gotten positive feedback as well. I have people telling me that they are inspired by me just being myself, or they are inspired by me doing what I want; so it makes all the negativity worth it. You guys inspire me to be myself, and to follow my dreams. I honestly hate when people say this, but it is so true, without you guys I wouldn't be where I am and as confident as I am. Yes I grew up a fighter but now I am not afraid and guilty to actually fight back. Before I always held back a little, no more.
Now I am working with companies and growing and glowing on my own. I am writing this Blog that you are reading. I am going to start Vlogging. I am pursuing things that I thought I would never be able to do, and they are actually graspable. It's not just some childish dream. I am actually able to do what makes me happy and just because of that I am truly blessed.
Yes - I am always going to face things that aren't within my control, and I will be afraid, but I believe that I can get through it; with a little help of you guys. There is a fire I have inside me, not just because I am a ginger, but because I am actually happy with where I am at right now. Which is rare. Of course there are things I still want to do and accomplish, but I have so much time to do that. I'm done comparing myself to others, I am living my own life and creating my own path. We all are, and we are all lucky enough to get to cross paths every now and then.
Now the storm outside is passing, and my fear I had is gone. Just as every issue or negative feeling that you may have will. It will pass. But you'll remain as the thriving growing and glowing human that you are. I know I will and I am going to continue to. Learn to love yourself more and more with each storm, and if you ever feel down on yourself just know I have been there too and I am here for you. There is no I in team, but there is tea and that is what we can sip together as we cry and get over our issues.
You like what I did there? (Laughing at myself.)
Kat Rae
