On a jog yesterday, I started criticizing myself for not going faster. I was embarrassed that I was working so hard but going so slowly. But then, in a rare moment of clarity, I heard those words for how cruel they really were. It was foggy and cold. It was raining. I was tired. Hell, I should have been proud of myself for getting out there at all, and there I was acting like that asshole gym teacher from elementary school--the one with the awkwardly tight shorts and the whistle. I'm not a professional athlete; running isn't my job. It's supposed to be something I love, so why was I being so mean about it?
But we are so hard on ourselves; we talk to ourselves in ways we'd never speak to others, and we seldom give ourselves credit for anything. I am quick to dismiss my own accomplishments--to say, "I just get lucky," when the truth is, "I work really hard and I have an incredible support system." Self-doubt can be insidious; I've seen it tear my relationships apart because I couldn't believe someone could love me. I've seen it stall my career because I was afraid I'd be discovered as a fraud.
I deserve love--everyone does--and I'm not a fraud, but sometimes, all I can see are my flaws.
I know a lot of you have this habit, too, this tendency to focus only on what's "wrong" with you and to see it so clearly that all the good things--your intelligence and skill and hard work and worth--are blurry and undefined.
So let's not do that anymore. Let's be soft with ourselves. Let's believe in ourselves. Let's believe other people when they say nice things to us and about us.
Because consider this: what would be possible if you turned all your loving kindness inward? If you believed in your own power? What could you do if you moved from a place of confidence? What would you have time for if you didn't feel like you had to apologize for everything all the time?
I think you could change the world.
