Living has a certain amount of pressure to it. I'm always working towards something, becoming better in some way, becoming more knowledgeable. Even though it's not thought of this way, but living poses certain amount of risk that's unpredictable, it's just our money, job, school, and surroundings don't penalize us for every time we do something less. I often do worse than I see myself capable of doing most often because I was tired, the environment numbed me to the task at hand in some way (maybe the constant hum of cars and people), or because I just couldn't do it that well. In my story never deliberately do something crap, but like everyone likes it it's unique to each person.
I was told by someone I value highly to dare to make mistakes and to have some fun. Books and people talking about it just don't cut it in terms of discussing the reality of living physically, the logistics and the process. I know people make mistakes and do not so well regularly but that's very much hidden unless I followed their life. I imagine people either forget the mistakes that were mistakes or never registered it in the first place. Are there such people that never utter a word about their mistakes, leaving their mistakes only open to those around them at that time? The pessimistic in me wants to believe there is. Therefore I never know what people did to stand in their position, and I cannot compare. But leaving it at that puts me in a coma or mindset of inaction due to the trepidation of finding what works for me being unpredictable, completely unknown, even to me. 'What' is the step-by-step, day to day participations that will bring me to be able to stand in a certain position and relationship with the system.
And that's assuming I have boundless meaning, purpose, and reason. To expend on this lifelong journey - not so much a pursuit or process but a journey - to one, uncover who and what I am, while two, not harming others in the process of filling in one. Meantime I owe it to myself to make it a profitable story, journey, whatever you make it, to actually be able to be here firsthand and actually have the chance of making myself and making my life on Earth into reality. But it's not me to put a profitable slant to the story I'm busy living, hence I'm bust. I don't have enough that I would like to share my story, but it's not like I have absolutely nothing that stand by me. Paltry little amount is what I have that I'm defined by and makes me. I even remember a time when I had less, no meaning, no sanity, no rest. Does that mean I should be grateful and accept this is all I will ever be and amount to? Thanksgiving? In spite of having nothing, I resolutely give myself dignity and refuse to be happy with my lot in life and live the rest of my life like this.
There's more, it's somewhere inside me, deep way in the back, the world happens to lay judgement on me to be unworthy and puny and insignificant, but I tried - I tried believing the world, it didn't went well, I had to endure intense hardship, that's not the way. Who would I be if I believed in the world's valuation of me personally as Kasper? Some things you have to look outside to remain grounded but words outside from other people and sources, that's where most deception exists. The world really can judge you like a heathen charlatan one moment, the next praise you to be the next great thing. So the trustworthy bit of reality isn't in the words. At present, I think it has more to do with everyone's actions in physical space time. And the side effect and consequences everyone can observe and agree on.
Living is daring to live. Most unpredictable is the way my life personally will pan out. It's the same for each. It's The Potential for hardship, suffering, happiness, enjoyment, attraction, repulsion. Without being a human life the contrast in experience wouldn't exist. In my opinion unacceptable and unbearable contrast, both physically and mentally. The existence of hazard is in a human life. Human life has the greatest potential for both pain and pleasure, hazard, and suffering. Certainly a part of why that is is because of how screwed our vocabulary can be, and the inconsistency in which people's vocabulary is learnt and actually lived. Then we have the issue of honesty or dishonesty, reflection or deception that's accepted by humans only that it's a free choice. It's a free choice with consequences you pay for daily. To the ultimate degree, we can lose our life because we were too selfish and we judged ourselves as unable to be trusted with any part of life and judged ourselves as having squandered all potential for trust thus nothing will willingly stand by my side and I will be alone, separated from life because of my acts of seperations.
It's not out of the blue to think whatever we are in this life on Earth, we will be equal and one when we arrive on the other side. It's suggested that the words I'm living will be the words I live with on the other side. And that the only chances we have at changing is here in the Physical. I can see I can change here, I can be the worst human being and because I commit to change and because I forgive myself I'm not that anymore.
