(Image generated with Dall-e 3)
It's a phrase I've always heard a lot, or maybe people always told it to me, I don't know, but the phrase itself is deeply ingrained in me:
You can't start a house from the roof.
Apparently, it's clear; it's obvious that you can't start a house from the roof... I thought I understood it, but tonight I realized that no, I hadn't understood anything.
But without interpreting it that way, I've always started with the roof; I've always wanted to have the roof, the dream, the goal, the whim, the objective... the HAVING.
For the simple reason that I always believed and was absolutely convinced that on the roof, in the result, lies the fun and happiness.
If there's no happiness in DOING, having won't give it to you. I've experienced and lived it countless times, but my obsession with HAVING was so strong that I never stopped to think about it. And even though many times people told me, my only truth was mine; I couldn't see beyond, I couldn't see beyond; the only thing I could see and focus on was the roof, the result, no matter the cost.
At some point, I may have mentioned it, and thinking about it now, probably my own words were incoherent... I always got and had everything I wanted, everything I set out to do, no matter how far or difficult it was. I always achieved it with the conviction that achieving 'that' would make my family happier, I would be happier, and we would live better and much happier lives.
WRONG... hundreds of times I achieved the result, I got it once, convinced myself that now I was happier, but after a few hours or days, it no longer mattered, and I already had a higher goal, and thus constantly in a loop created by myself that was:
1. Focusing on a goal or result, believing it would improve my family, my life.
2. Disconnecting from the world until achieving that result.
3. Achieving it and convincing myself that now my family is better.
4. Since everything remained the same, or worse, setting a higher goal and starting the loop again.
If you notice, there's a word I repeat a lot and like to say, 'Family,' and I say it from the heart, it's the foundation of my life, it's the most important thing to me... no matter how strange or hard to believe it seems, 99% of the things I do, I don't do them for me or for myself, I do them from the heart with the real objective that my family improves, that relationships are more solid, more stable, to have a better life...
But... curiously, what I did and what I was doing was destroying and weakening it more and more... without realizing it or without wanting to see it, or without being able to see it, because the only thing I could see was the roof.
At the same time that I was destroying and weakening everything around me, I was digging my own hole, deeper and deeper... this is easy to understand:
Achieving a result and immediately moving on to a greater goal was a symptom of impotence and frustration... achieving a result required a lot of effort from me, mainly mentally... the rewards for meeting those objectives, those results, lasted minutes, days in the best cases after months of a lot, a lot of effort and dedication, and the fact of seeing, feeling that what I believed would bring happiness brought nothing but a few minutes of satisfaction and covering or hiding it by immediately creating a greater, more ambitious goal, what I was doing was destroying myself mentally...
The day my head, my brain runs out of fuel to imagine, create, and build those goals, I would fall into a hole as deep as the time I spent doing it, because that's what I was really doing, digging a bigger and bigger hole, where due to mental exhaustion and never seeing real expectations fulfilled, I would end up falling the day everything collapsed.
Now, once inside the hole I've dug myself, it seems I'm aware of what I was really doing and did.
Being aware, I believe, is the first step to first seeking a way out of the hole and then... having learned this life lesson.
Spanish
(imágen generada con Dall-e 3)
Es una frase que siempre escuché mucho, o siempre me dijeron mucho no lo sé, pero la frase en si, la tengo muy interiorizada:
No se puede empezar una casa por el tejado
Aparentemente es clara, esta claro que no puedes empezar una casa por el tejado... pensé y creía que la entendía, pero esta noche me he dado cuenta de que no, no e entendido nada.
Pero sin yo interpretarlo de esa forma, siempre he empezado por el tejado, siempre quise tener el tejado, el sueño, la meta, el capricho, el objetivo... el TENER.
Por la sencilla razón de que siempre creí y estube absolutamente convencido de ello de que en el tejado, en el resultado, está la diversión y la felicidad.
Si no hay felicidad en el HACER, no la va a dar el TENER, lo he experimentado y vivido un monton de veces, pero tal era mi obsesión con el TENER que nunca habia parado a pensarlo, y aunque muchas veces me lo dijeran, la unica verdad era la mia, no veía mas alla, no podía ver mas alla, lo unico que podia ver y focalizar era el tejado, el resultado al precio que fuera.
Alguna vez lo abré comentado y pensandolo ahora probablemente mis propias palabras fueran incoherentes... siempre conseguí y tuve todo lo que quise, todo lo que propuse, por lejos y dificil que fuera siempre lo conseguí con la convicción de que consiguiendo 'eso' mi familia seria mas feliz, yo seria mas feliz y viviramos mejor y mas mucho mas felices.
ERROR... cientos de veces conseguí el resultado, lo conseguía una vez, me autoconvencía de que ahora era mas feliz, pero a las pocas horas o días eso ya no importaba y ya tenia un objetivo mas alto, y así constantemente en un bucle creado por mi mismo que era:
**1. Focalizarme en un objetivo o resultado creyendo que eso mejoraría mi familia, mi vida.
Si os dais cuenta, hay una palabra que repito mucho y que me gusta decir, 'Familia', y es que de corazon lo digo, es la base de mi vida, es lo mas importante para mi... por raro o difícil de creer que parezca, el 99% de las cosas que hago, no las hago por mi ni para mi, las hago de corazon con el real objetivo de que mi familia mejore, de que las relaciones sean mas solidas, mas estables, de tener una vida mejor...
Pero... curiosamente, lo que hice y lo que estaba haciendo era destrozarla y debilitarla cada vez mas...sin yo darme cuenta o sin querer verlo, o sin poder verlo, por que lo único que podía ver era, el tejado.
Al mismo tiempo que estaba destrozando y haciendo mas debil todo a mi alrededor, yo mismo me estaba cavando mi propio agujero, cada vez mas profundo... esto es facil de entender:
El conseguir un resultado y al momento pasar a un objetivo mayor, era un síntoma de impotencia y frustración... conseguir un resultado requería de mucho esfuerzo para mi sobre todo y principalmente mental... las recompensas por cumplir esos objetivos, esos resultados, duraban minutos, días en el mejor de los casos después de meses de mucho pero que mucho esfuerzo y dedicación, y el hecho de ver, sentir que lo que yo creía que traería la felicidad no trajo nada, mas que unos minutos de satisfacción y taparlo u ocultarlo creando al momento un objetivo mayor mas ambicioso, lo que estaba haciendo era acabar conmigo mentalmente...
El día que mi cabeza, mi cerebro dejase de tener gasolina para imaginar, crear y construir esos objetivos caería en un pozo tan profundo como tiempo dediqué a hacerlo, porque era lo que realmente estaba haciendo, cavando un pozo cada vez mas y mas grande, en el que por agotamiento mental y por nunca ver cumplidas las expectativas reales acabaría cayendo el día que todo se derrumbara.
Ahora, una vez dentro del pozo que yo mismo he cavado, parece que soy consciente de lo que realmente estaba haciendo e hice.
Ser consciente, creo que es el primer paso para primero buscar una salida del pozo y después... haber aprendido esta lección de la vida.
