Putting perspective into keeping fit.
Forget all the new fads for keeping fit, there must be a new one every week and it can be confusing. Try the JV workout programme, fitness tips to suit all, at very little cost.
The JV Workout programme is a health and fitness programme devised by a former expert. Rather it’s based on the experiences of a once gym-slipped schoolgirl. Believe me, the tricks devised to avoid gymnastics by yours truly, got me where I am today – aerobics free, jog free and absolutely no co-ordination.
Years ago I followed the Jane Fonda workout and that was fun. You should watch it just to see what she could do with her legs. What puzzles me, is how nowadays one is supposed to find time to indulge in said fun. It was fun until Ms.Fonda gently said to her audience (by now sweating and twisted on the carpet) “Now don’t look at the screen or you’ll”… CRICK …“distort your neck.” It happened and I’ve had to give up for a week until the neck returned to a normal position.
There are endless programmes aimed at working people (some now not so working people) and particularly yuppies, taking only twenty minutes of their day and that seems appealing. I’ve decided not to bring my own video out just yet, but to give you a small sample of what can be achieved. With just a few minutes every day, this specially devised programme caters for every member of the family, it also include Yappies: Young, Absolutely-pooped people.
This takes in everyone from Baby to Grandma and it can be done sitting, standing or even when lolling about. The JV Workout exercises individual parts of the body, when Ms Fonda told us how to work our pelvis “lift, lift, lift and lift”… one wondered exactly what we’re supposed to be developing. But not to ponder on pelvics, individual attention is what the average person needs, one can wiggle ones toes, and that’s exercise, and if one wiggles ones fingers one should be careful as to where and at whom. So, to begin with the youngest member of the family we take the baby in its cot. No, we don’t actually take the baby anywhere, just let the little mite kick the sides of the cot in and there you go, all muscle and instant fitness. They look so cute too.
The toddler is another matter altogether and you are recommended to ensure you have the assistance of another member of the family during your workout with Tofties (Totally Fearless Two-year-olds). One person stands (or sits, Tofties won’t mind) at one end of the room with the other person opposite. A ball or preferably favourite toy is then passed from one person to the other, Toftie has to try and grab it. It’s recommended to periodically alternate sides. This can go on for hours and hours and Toftie is as fresh as a daisy at the finish and much fitter, while the bookends feel pooped (we’ll get to how de-poop them later).
Grandma and Grandpa, the Oldies (Old, Downwardly-Mobiles) need a carefully devised programme and we’ll begin with the ladies. They are recommended to exercise thusly: when in their rocking chair just knitting, teenage grandchildren will pass behind the rocker and with a swift downward movement to the chairback, will set Grandma off on her rocker (this she will find most enjoyable too) and all Gran has to do is hang on for dear life. Of course, the knitting may get a trifle tangled but it’s wonderful exercise for her.
Grandpa can improve his wellbeing by learning a board game. This involves sitting for sure, but all he’ll need is extra space. From a standing position, he should bend his knees and sit on the seat provided, otherwise he’ll end up on the floor and it could take several people to raise him again. Having opened the board game, Grandpa should clutch the dice in his right hand and swing his arm back over his head, bringing it down and out to the right. He then shakes the dice-holding hand three times in an exaggerated manner, moves the arm inwards and then outwards, releasing the dice at the same moment. If this seems too much of an effort, then he should take up bowling, but not in the sitting room.
The busy husband and father, or Obbie (Office-Bound Breadwinners) needed a workout they could do at their desks. He could engage the assistance of his secretary but this is not recommended. Obbies should begin by standing behind their desks inhaling deeply. When the coughing fit has waned, he should raise his hands high above his head and lean forward over his desk in an exaggerated movement, stomach should be held in (it’ll probably be flabby anyway) and he should grip the far edge of his desk for 30 seconds. If meanwhile the boss enters the room, the Obbie can think up some excuse such as he was looking for his secretary (he will not at this early stage wish to boast of his JV Workout prowess) If instead of the boss, his secretary walks in, then tough luck, let him find his own excuse.
A co-Obbie (we need not explain this in detail) is at her office desk in the early a.m. and the moment she hits her office, she should stand on tiptoe, reach, reaching upwards, at the same time grabbing a file from the top-most shelf. This may dislodge some office dust, she may be tempted to rush round with the feather duster, but due to red eyes and a hacking cough brought about by the dust cloud, she decides against this. These exercises should be avoided if possible on board meeting day. Tired arms, hacking cough won’t help her when trying to explain growth ratio and equity investments.
She may opt for the Haffie’s programme (Housebound Average Female) and these are simple routines within the scope of every Haffie. Since shopping figures high in her day, she should get into the habit of taking an extra large shopping bag with her. She should first do her household purchases and ensure that she is holding no less than 10 kilos in weight of goods (the average Haffie shopping bag). Swinging the bag round from left arm to right, she should find this movement a delightful experience. A fairly wide berth on the pavement or in the supermarket would be an asset, or she may inadvertently be had up for assault on a passer-by. She will develop long arms.
The programme devised for Yappies fell by the wayside. The only thing that motivates a Yappie is disco and the opposite sex, both if which provide all the exercise they’ll need. Co-Obbies are the only members of the family to get an all round workout, whether at home or in the office. Red-eyed, long armed, the co-Ob spends a third of her time repairing the sides of the cot, untangling Granny from the rocker or knitting, or trying to convince the locals Grandpa isn’t senile, just into his JV Workout. It’s grand for all the family and when I’ve finally un-entangled myself from my knitting, I’ll get on with my next programme. This may take years of research – it concerns total relaxation and how to achieve it. I have some trouble staying awake long enough to get my notes down on paper. ZZZZZZZZ…….
If the above does nothing for you - go suck a lemon!
