Well as I head into my 4th week off work after arm surgery, I find myself moving away from my daily routine and more toward couch potatoism. I have been working a solid year and a half in a place that is chaotic and stressful. I need a break! I haven’t really done shit other then my normal chores and feeding the Yeti and the fur babies. I have many projects. Projects put off by the excuse of working. Some fun, some not so fun. So, as I sit at my desk well after midnight, not the least bit tired, I think about stuff. All kinds of stuff! Some random, some deep. If you know me, you know I think to much about everything. I worry about things that most don’t even think about, much less care about. The steady flow of thoughts is constant, even when I am conversating with someone. I will be talking to Michael then follow up with what the other track was saying as I spoke. It’s usually loudest when I’m talking about positive things that pertain to me and my happiness. “You know that you are never truly happy Jen. Everything you do is temporary until you are miserable again. Who you trying to fool? Michael or yourself?”
It's always been a thing for me to talk to myself or to create alternate realities. Not in a schizophrenic way cause I know they aren’t real, but in a escape kind of way. It wasn't something I noticed until I was much older. I still do it today. I would read books, watch the same movie every day for months, listen to the same songs every single day, gamble, do drugs, the list goes on. Some things were subtle, some absurdly obvious.
I spent my 20s and 30’s hanging out in Narcotics Anonymous and it give me purpose and focus. I abstained from drugs (besides multiple baby relapses). I learned a lot of life there lessons and had a lot of fun. I had 3 kids and I was married (then divorced then married then separated then widowed). By all accounts a productive member of society. People at the meetings loved me. My co-workers loved me. I had friends. I went out to concerts (something I had never don’t up the that point) and we got together regularly to “just hang out”. Despite it all I would find myself feeling lonely or like they were all just pretending to like me. Juvenile, I know. The voice in my head was my own. A voice formed from life experiences that left me untrusting and guarded. Self-doubt and fear of rejection were always right there ready to fight. Fight, flight or freeze. It was and is exhausting.
So here I sit. In a home I have built with my sweetheart over the past 2 years. We had an air mattress, our clothes and each
other. Now we have our sanctuary full of all the things we love. We have an unconditional love that we never thought possible. I don’t have to go to work for another 4 weeks, at least. I have no one to answer to. I do what I want. I sleep when I want. Clean if I feel like it. I go out or I don’t. As I sat here being judgy with myself for not accomplishing more, I realized that I was doing it again. Finding fault where there is none. I have everything I need and then some. Focusing on negative stuff that isn’t even real or relevant. I started to laugh at myself. I decided in that moment to let it all go. I decided in that moment to write this down to share with someone who may need to hear it. I’m a work in progress and will be evolving till my time is up in this realm but I’m committed to not allowing the old bugga- boos to sneak in and rob me of my peace. I have little pieces of papers taped in different places around me that say:
My commitment to myself is unflappable.
My commitment to myself is unshakable
My commitment to myself is indestructible
My commitment to myself is unbreakable
A reminder that, despite those moments where I end up on an old track or in a negative space, my commitment remains, to love my flawsome self, good, bad or ugly. I am the only one I owe anything to. I am successful and blessed. I am worthy of happiness. Moments are just moments. Pain is temporary and necessary for growth. Suffering optional. I choose to kick those old ideals in the nuts when they sneak up on me lol. I chose happiness and laughter today. I chose the same for you. Peace.
