"Sometimes I feel like you're like that. Like you don't fit in anywhere," my boss said, looking me in the eye.
I smiled, noticing her brown skin and dark brown eyes. She was dressed in black, in office clothes, elegant. That morning, it was just her and me. As on many other occasions. During those months the users were few. Everybody thought the library was closed.
"At least I feel good here," I commented, leaning back in the wooden chair, thinking she was right. I had never felt part of any place or group. "In other jobs, no matter how much money I made, I felt like I was wasting my time. When I came here I didn't know that I would enjoy serving the public, looking for information, keeping order in the spaces, living in a cultural environment, surrounded by books," I added.
She smiled too. Then she gave me a compassionate look as if she were in front of a madman who was telling her about his dreams.
"Love with hunger does not last, son," she replied, with her usual maternal tone. "If you get an opportunity with a good job, you must take advantage of it. You can't stay here without earning a salary. What are you going to eat?
I thought about the jobs I had turned down to continue working as a contributor at the library. I remembered what some of my family members said when they found out I was working for free. Most thought I had gone crazy. But if they only knew how good I felt every time I came to work, they wished they felt the same way.
"Don't worry," I said, "they will give me the job any minute.
She looked at me again as if she were in front of a child who is excitedly telling what could happen tomorrow if...
I do not judge her. I'm aware of my situation. I have been working unpaid at the library for a little over a year. Despite feeling good about that decision, I can't deny that I've had some tough times that make me want to throw in the towel. But what would become of this place?
When I started here there were three assistants and the coordinator. Now it is the coordinator and myself. One of the assistants resigned. The other one moved to another municipality and was transferred to another library. The third one is still working, but she is an older woman who is sick all the time. She hardly attends and is awaiting retirement. My boss has also been on the verge of giving up. The salary is not enough. But she feel the same love for the library as I do.
Two years of pandemic changed our social reality, which was critical before (now it is worse). During that time, the library was closed. When things returned to normal, I did everything in my power to get in touch with her and one of the assistants. At that time, I was just another user. I had helped with other things before, but this time I wanted to help with the upkeep of the spaces. The library had become a vault of dust. Someone had to clean up.
After reaching an agreement, we cleaned the library. We lasted almost two months. We cleaned on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then, without realizing it, I was left helping with the inventory. The next month I was already talking about wanting to work there. They accepted me. I had earned their affection and respect. They went from being librarians to my co-workers. Since then, we have done everything we can to get me the job, but they keep us waiting.
"Junior, you are young," said my boss. "You have to think about your future. You can't hold on to this place. You need something secure in your life.
A couple of months ago, a good job offer came knocking on my door. A rare opportunity these days. The pay was good, more than you could imagine. But I was to give up the library. Indecision took hold of me.
"Don't think about it too much," My boss said, when I informed her. "Take advantage of the opportunity and make the most of that job. The doors of the library will always be open to you.
In the end, I accepted. As I waited to be called for the interview, I became depressed as if I had broken up with the love of my life. It was an overwhelming feeling. I felt like I was leaving behind one of the few things I believed in, to go after money again. As if that had ever made me happy. My mood was somber. A friend told me I had some sort of toxic relationship with the library. Maybe was right. After all, I would work alone for a few months and then come back.
That week I was told that the job was cancelled due to a problem, so they never called me back. I was happy again. Deep down, I didn't want that job. If I had taken it, it was out of necessity, nothing more. Besides, it would also take me away from the blog, delay my studies and my projects.
Currently, I am still working as a volunteer. I have keys to the library and I am in charge of opening it in the evenings. Every time I arrive, feel like I am entering a parallel reality where time has stopped and silence is law. I look at the books on the shelves and get as excited as the first time. Ever since I was a teenager I dreamed of being in a place this quiet, away from the noise.
Here I have seen eyes marveling at the number of books. I have talked with people of all ages about novels, history, and culture. I enjoy their knowledge and share my tastes and opinions with them.
Here I have discovered an infinite number of worlds among the books. What more could I ask for?
Many have told me that the library will disappear any day now. Just as other libraries in the country have disappeared. In order for that not to happen, we work hard every day. We hold workshops. We serve the users. We keep the spaces clean. We offer good service.
I don't know what the future holds for me. I only know that I will stay here until the end. If it's my turn to watch the books burn, like Bukowski in his poem "the burning of the dream", I want to do it. Even if it hurts. After all I have lived through in this place, I know it will hurt my soul.
• Photographs taken with my Samsung Galaxy A10.
• Design and edition: Photoshop CS6.
• Translation: Deepl (free version)
