What is life without a life. What determine us to be the person we are. In this blog I want to tell my story a normal girl from the country side going through everything and anything. Hoping down the road I can make a difference. Speaking the true from a dark side of my life hoping will highlight those who have come across similar path to guide them in such a way to have a better outcome for their life. It’s not how we start that count but how we end up our journey through wisdom.
Sometimes people wants to forget, sometimes people wants to move forward and not learning what happen. I am hoping through my story, some will be able to take some incite and turn around to make a better path then mine.
Nobody is perfect, everybody is beautiful but it’s by speaking the true and being yourself that you will find a better path and through your journey discover what count the most in your life. Live, Love and Laugh….
This is my time, my story and how I felt and live through these moment of my life!
My name is Julie Kenk born in a small town called St-Eustache 42k from Montreal. Just a normal girl born in the country.
Originally – my last name was Marsan and my full name was Janou Julie Marsan.
Yes I speak and write in French - No I am not perfect in English which is my second language - Trust me - my haters told me every day but it doesn't bother me...I am me.. pure and genuine..
Not sure why the name Janou has been choosen for me when my older sister had a normal name like Christine but I guess when you become a parent you are excited and sometimes you don’t think clearly on how this can affect your child down the road.
My mom told me long time ago my name was from an article she saw in the newspaper from a baby who was concieve in an capsule. In French you call this Bebe-eprouvette, where over 500,000 baby was born in the 19 century. The first one was born in england a boy name Louis and then spread over France where another little girl was born name Amandine. However, not sure if this is what you want to hear that you are born in a capsule where doctor monitor your growth. Strange but understandable for those who can’t conceive naturally and acknowledge the science that is behind to allowed parent to be parent but the way it was explain to me, I am not sure if this was the right way to do it. Probaby not and probably too early to stipulate where my name was coming from.
Please understand Janou in French come from « Jeannot Lapin" Laping means in English Rabbit which was so wrong because that name haunt me for so many years. I hated that name, been laugh at school, bully, push, hurt, corner and harrassment including my sister who was no different did the same thing as my other classmate through young age. I promise myself at the age of 18 years to change it back to Julie which was my middle name.
Not to mention my appearance as my front teeth reflect my look as a rabbit. Mean kids from school took advantage of this element. As I was playing in the school yard broke both my front tooth. Rush to a dentist with my dad where the dentist apply the wrong freezing and make my gums not only infected but infected my teeth to become yellow. The worse nightmare for a kid that emphisize now more to
« Jeannot Lapin »
I rarely went to the doctor nor the dentist. Mom never bother - But that dentist really traumatize me at a young age. I can tell you that was a bad dentist.
My front teeth is fix now which I pay thousand of dollars for a bridge but it's was only at the age of 40 years old I could afford to do that.
I couldn’t express enough my feelings towards my name to my parents because I felt left aside and had to get through my problem on my own. I never felt having the support of a parent the way it should be. Even when I tried to express it, my mom who has a very strong personality though I was foolish, don’t be stupid go play I am busy and disregards any feelings I had in that time.
She was not a bad mom, just a busy mom and I think it was overwelmed by the amount of work for 2 children and husband at younger age we were going through. She also went through depression which I do believe dad had a hard time to understand what was going on. I can sense their relationship was not the best either during that period of the time. Mom was escaping this life by shopping the expensive stuff you can not imagine. Let’s say I was raised through shopping addictions. Mom never want to walk alone and asking me to come for a walk since dad was all the time busy and my sister God’s know where she was. I was her depression cushion all the time. Hearing her crying behind a closing door. Mom was often using me as a venting bag. Drama was in the air and our family was broken from the beginning. 6 years difference between my sister and I was not easy for mom but still missing the understanding has to why – I felt that way and couldn’t get any help.
Dad on the other hand, very calm man never argue and go with the flow to make his wife happy. They say happy wife, happy life. It was all about mom and her life. Mom also develop a hear problem when I was younger when dad often lost his patience.
Dad was never violent just remove himself to his cave man which was the garage or his room downstair in the basement. Mom always wanted something from dad. Over the years dad learn to breath and tried to understand her new handicap which was very hard on him and us of course.
This is not new in my world of survivor but to those who choose a name for their new baby.. choose it wisely.
Choosing a name is crucial. It might not mean a lot but in the long run it will have a big impact. I understand the moment I came to this world I created my own path, I was raise with integrity and honesty. I have learned my mistake and tried to find my gift. I was raised in drama, shopping addiction and crying close door – that was not a life…let me tell you….
The purpose of life that everyone is talking about. The purpose of making a difference. Our purposes we are trying as an individual to differency ourself from others.
Some learn quick and get the ability to discover their gift earlier then others. Some like me have a hard time and have to fight to get through life. It’s a cycle that you are trying to escape from a big ocean but you can not see the land. Why some have a harder path then others. What is our destiny to a better path. What the universe is trying to teach us. Why so many years has to pass to learn the purpose of our life when others destiny is right in front of them.
I guess this is why God has created a journey for all of us, to understand the concept of life. Yes we have guardianship which we call parents that has been assigned to help us to growth but they are only guardian not controlling what is our journey nor our path. Doing the best they can with only what they know with the tool they have in life.
My journey, my guardingship is from a small family of 4 we were – having one sister, a dad who work 35 years through his career to be THE best of the best Officer in RCMP and mom who become a mom working from home. Both devoted to their children and doing the life like any family from Monday to Sunday.
Living but not living through the capibility of what could be to any extend. Behind close door that nobody know what is happening.
Going to christmas family holiday from one side of grand parents to the other side, celebrating together and going on vacation. Not often as I would like to remember but still part of my memory.
I wish I could say I have great memory at a younger age but all the holiday and vacation is so vague because I don’t remember going as often as it should be with my sister.
I do remember vacation with both my parents at some time of my teenager life but as a youngster not so much.
I remember my aunt and uncle going hiking with their kids and doing fun stuff when not much happen for us.
When the other uncle was travelling around the world with the students of his and when another uncle and aunt was coming from times to times to the family holiday where I was able to play with my cousin who was younger then me but found similarity through our play.
We were a disfunctional family inside a disfunctional family. I guess lots of people have disfunctional family and most of us always try to do the best we could to get the best out of it. Most of the time I can only remember my loneliness through family times where the growing up was drinking and chatting. Where I was helping all the time doing dishes and cleaning around so my mom would be proud of me more then she was through my sister’s eyes.
This is certainly a time that I tried to forget since there was not so much great family memory surrounding me. I do have flash back here and there but it’s not something you pin point in a good way. This was not a cinderella story where there was a good ending. I was lonely, nobody cares even though I continue to help and tried to be the best kid around the block.
There was so much drama in the air that it was hard to get through this. As we growth older my parents had to come accross the teenager time period of my sister who rebelle her own parents. It’s amaze me why she rebelle. She never help doing things around the house, she always find a raison to avoid trip with the family. But dad never allowed such rebellions and was torn from what she did.
One night she left the house with her boyfriend. My parents was furious and told her; all your clothes will be on the porch. Boyfriend to be not the smartest kid though he was smarter then my dad. Fight after fight…constant drama. Me watching in silence and trying to support my mom from the pain she was going through. She did come around and apologize. Foolish enough she knew she wouldn’t have no chance on her own with that boyfriend. She was smart and she use it. Over the years, drama was still an ongoing, boyfriend was still around, fight was still occurs but my sister was succeeding faster then I was. She was good at what she was doing. She was smart and found other way to get what she wanted. My parents remodel the whole basement for her to be suitable the way she wanted. She was in college studying law and wanted to go to the university. I remember teenager party in the basement, boyfriend coming – her space was awesome and I envy her in so many level. Her and I were not that close – she didn’t care about me and was treating me the same way as anyone which make me wanted to be more in her life so I can be like her. So my parents can be proud of me.
My parents was so focus on her education and her future that it wanted me to be her, like her so they can support me like her. Never happen – not the way I wanted anyway.
As fair as I can be the moment they turn their attention to me is when my sister was gone and move out on her own. I was next and/or going through the teenager period but the damage was already done. There were too much drama, too much fight – whatever left of me was not much. I took the basement over but the color were horrible and it was going to stay that way. I was the crumbs left on the floor that you don’t want to pick up.
I won't denied many times I wanted to disappear, kill myself - why not.. why staying in this world if nobody wants you...I only received attention because my sister was gone, because my mom was going through depression..I was crying often not sure what to do who to talk...
That was not only the fight of suvival but to gain respect and love from your own parents which I never felt and never had over the years.
My parents were so proud of my sister and send her to a private school where she received a great education – when me during my time was sent to a public school. The distance of the public school was further then the private school and I had to take a bus every day or walk. The private school was closer and tough it was not fare. Don’t take me wrong – there was great teacher, great friends but the structure of the system was so different.
I can say it now but I felt in that time I was abandoned by the ignorance of my own little success. I felt I was treated differently then my sister. Why is that. You would think to put both children at the same school, both children to their capability to learn and expand their mind. It felt different. Only then I knew I was different, I was seen as the black sheep of the family. My mom always though I was stupid – not as smart as my sister so why bother…
What knock me down the most is when my mom call me stupid – that stay with me forever. Maybe she didn’t mean to at the time but it hurt me so much. The name, the teeth, the basement, the fight, the drama – everything was about my sister, everything was about my mom. Why bother to have a child if you won’t care about, love and cherish. Why…
I promise myself one day if I have a daughter I will never do that or say that to her. But that word just got stuck in my brain and it haunt me for a long time. From action that was towards me, public school, less support – that word saying to me over and over just emphasize more of what I was then what I could become.
Every details of my life when I grew up was not the best. Not to mention I was the only one who had blonde air. Every body, I mean every body close or far through the family had brown hair or black except my grand mother from my father side. My gene of me having the only one with blonde air make me question.
You would wonder that if you are coming from both parent you would have something in common. I knew my dad was my dad – as we were very close and my paternal grand-mother had blonde air which make me believe that side was from him but as for my mom side – there was nothing in common. All these years, I was wondering to know if she was my real mom. I did question it but never got a straight answer. My sister and my mom got along so well over the years. As for me I have tried when I was young to impress my mom in so many level, to get closer, help, clean and do whatever possible to reach her out. I give up after I pass the 18 years of age and got more independent then ever.
The friction between my mom and I just raised up to a level that I could not be close to her anymore. The rejection I felt when I was young push me away from accepting her as she was still trying to control me more then ever.
Today, I cut the bridge after so many years of trying. I know and I can imagine people already judging me but her control and the way I was raise around her crush me in so many level. It’s not because she is old today that she lost her habit. In the past I felt bad so I phone, Skype but the fuse doesn’t take long and here it goes again; the control the judgment of what I am doing wrong the manipulation and of course the insult. She lives in the East and I live in the West. Don’t see her nor the family often but hey – they don’t come see me either!
There is no book how to be a good parent and in my generation born in 1969; times change, family life are busy, wife become mother and work from home trying to maintain the needs where the husband work hard. But now as older as I am, from what I went through I wish I had a voice to express more my feelings to my dad from what I felt at the time. I wish there was a system like there is now for the kids who need it the right support.
Like any family there is a dark side. Like any relationship there is up and down. I am not sure why my mom never took as many picture as my sister when I was born. Most picture I have is mostly with my dad. It always intrigue me to see and know that you would think you are the most important in their life. It caught me over the years of not understanding still why I don’t have as many memory as my sister.
My mom told me it’s only picture. We didn’t have time. More excuse that break my heart. Don’t take me wrong –I am sure she didn’t mean to hurt me in such a way. I sure hope not but the way it was explained was not the right way. You don’t realise until you get older pictures mean so much. Picture speak more then words and have so much value to the person that is for life has and created great memories. Today we have the internet and social media where parent to be are so proud to put tons of pictures of their children, video and so much joy.
I wish I can be a kid again but into a different family – or maybe with my dad with a different mom. I know it’s harsh but you can’t judge anyone unless you have been in someone shoes. All my life the only thing I knew was fight, drama, loneliness – You know the sad part – I miss so much of Love, hug, smile….
My grand mother which I love her so much but didn't have enough time to be with her...and when she pass away - I was too far to come back to say goodbye and was told at the last minutes
Be aware though, in today’s generation the kids can sue the parent for putting their picture on the internet. The world is surrounding of the internet is the power that allowed now more kids to have more control over the parent. Later on I will explain how you can protect yourself and how to deal with social media.
However, I envy them and so happy for them. Creating memory is so important as it’s the bond of where you are coming from. That is the way it should be, love and sharing their happiness.
I also know from my grand mother saying to me at a early age that her and her husband paid a trip to Mexico to my parents due to a challenging relatioship and separation when I was younger.
Found out that my dad at the time have met another woman in his small town and was engage with her during the time my mom was living in Quebec city with my sister and met another man in her own who was an artist. Their relationship was on the rock and that trip was offer to them which was the deadline for them to rebuilt their family to be. Grand ma was taken care of both of us – me and my sister.
You have to think - why my dad would leave the woman he just fall in love and engage her and drop her for her ex - it doesn't make sense. Maybe the divorce was not final - maybe dad engage this woman he fall in love and didn't think of the consequences or even didn't care about it. He had a good job, good money coming - was able to support himself. But as I was searching and digging - I found out my dad was with me and in his generation, it certainly doesn't look good to see a single dad. So my guess he was under pressure to rebuilt his own family back because both ex family and his was very wealthy and in that time - this would be a no no.
Ok I must admit - this is where my search got interested - everyone I asked avoided that question. Did that woman got pregnant and dad become a single dad in 1969 and if so what happened to that woman - did she die during her pregnancy...I did asked but everyone avoided me on that question. Everyone though I was nuts and not true. But not everyone knew that dark secret of dad's life.
You know when you dig something and you know you are right in some level but you can't prove it yet.. well that was my situation. I knew something happened and when I was trying to put the puzzle from 6 years of separations, 6 years between me and my sister - there were too many coincidence...
so OK both family succeed - mom and dad go to Mexico trip alone. I remember when I challenge my grand mother and wanted to have my sister’s room so I move all the furniture into her room. OH! Boy…I remember grand ma told me I move it there, I can move it back. That was funny…but again I wanted what my sister had and there was jealousy.
Of course there was rebellions through my young age because I wanted attention, the support, the love. I didn’t have nothing. Taken the garden hoses and hose the whole kitchen which I flooded the whole main floor – babysitter lock me in the bathroom without no light during the time she was sponging the floor with my sister. Let’s say I was not an angel but again – I just wanted to get attention, hug, love, listenning to me, showing my stuff and didn’t have none of this. I didn’t do anything just to do anything…There was a reason for my actions and nobody got the memo!
As for mom and dad, you have to understand, in their generation that kind of separation was certainly not acceptable and knowing that I had 6 years difference with my sister having a single dad with a young kid was not acceptable nor view by the surrounding of their time. My mom tell me 6 months separation other 6 years which is about the difference I have between my sister and I. Everybody tells me I am wrong but everybody doesn’t know the past of their story! And nobody wants to tell me exactly what happen – I know I was asking the right question but I was not getting the right answer.
Always wonder what happen, why this distance through them, why not having picture of new baby which should be the most exciting thing happen in your life. Am I the cause of this dramatic separation that could have cause this?
Sometimes I am wonder. I always felt it was missing something. I was very close to dad and dad always surround me with wisdom and kindness. He was so busy though and that loves and kindness was not enough compare to the drama I was surrounding by his wife. However I felt over the years, my mom was not my real mom. Call me crazy if you want but I did ask and ask over and over. Yes I could have pass a blood test but I was call stupid already and crazy. This bond between a mother and a daughter was just not there. The bond between mother daughter was more with my sister. This bond was stronger between myself and my dad. Why? What was missing through this dark side of the family. Lots of question and not much answer but only speculation.
Who am I to judge a parent, to define my origin and question any parent who is trying so hard to make a living and give a living. I rest in piece after my 18 years of age and stop questioning to this moment and accept the unknown of what it could have been.
I know I came into this world maybe not wanted, maybe as an accident but I have learned to do the best I can to define myself and to be the person I should be by being me. Kind and helpful to others.
Today I can see a different generation on my own and as their generations in time, some of the element we were going through would have not been acceptable in our generations.
In my younger life nothing extraordinary would have make me believe I had THE gift. By curiosity of trying to discover who I was as a person was probably the most challenging.
Because I though I was stupid, I though I was useless, I though nobody wanted me nor be interested in me. That is what I was told…
Very artistic at young age and very flexible allowed me to travel around the world with a group of dancer where we had the ability to dance in front of millions of people. Through the generosity of dad’s time adding to his work was part of a board director.
In my younger age living in the country was very hard to make friends as the lands that was separating us through neighbor was far away and not much to do around. Some would contradict this avenue but where we were it was hard to make friends. It was hard to escape my drama. Maybe I should have run away from home.. Maybe that would have been so much better.
I have noticed however later on that I had a gift to help people but I don’t think I understood how to use it nor to apply it to my life. From what I know now – I would probably have been a psychologist and event web designer into this matter, a cameraman or even a movie producer. But I am too old to start over a new career and only change to emphasize what I have learn and try to do the best as I can to continue to help people differently.
My paternal grand-mother that I love so much was living beside us. I remember the good time by stopping by the back kitchen where she was sitting at the corner of the table. Gran-pa which I didn’t have much time to know him but still remember good memory by planting potatoes through the field with him.
Him having a shed for the birds and prior my time as he was raising horses and was the most successful man in town.
Write his own book about horses and knowledge people through so many aspect of life surrounding by horse. It’s sad to say that I am allergic to horse and would have loves to be part of this journey. I was riding and did very well but it caught me very quickly through allergy.
Country is not a place for me.
A dark side of my life where I tried to forget. Yes I had a good time with grand pa and grand ma but walking through the field going to a friend, I remember that day, a car drive by I was about 8 years old. Stop and wanted to ask for direction but when I approach the car and look at the man inside, he was mastubing himself naked in his car. He ask me to come with him. I was frozen by the action, scare and run away as fast as I can. I run away not to my house but grand-ma house where I knew she was in the kitchen sitting at the same place. Out of breath where grand-ma see me coming asking me if everything is fine and telling her yes. I was so happy to be in her house. What I saw that day was more then shocking, traumatizing and I was ashamed of what I saw. I never wanted to tell anyone. I kept this inside of me and I even didn’t want to go to see my friends anymore. Scare to see that man again. Scare of what my parents could have said to me.
My mom never love me the way I want so telling her would just emphasize my stupidity. Both parents was all the time so focus on them self or my sister…I felt so lonely that day – crying in bed alone and scare.
I don’t know about you but can you imagine a 8 years old see this and not knowing anything about sexuality or predator. I am glad today’s generation they teach what to do and not to do. I think as a parent there will always be weirdo, pedophile and kidnappers. It’s important as a parent to bring this subject in such a way to protect our children. More we know less dramatic it is for them. I was not naive in that time but I was certainly not prepare to see that. Sex was not a subject in our time to discuss freely. Even though mom had a position sex book hidden in her closest which chock me big time this is not something you want to bring it up.
As for my grand parents they had their difficulty through challenge of their relationship but for some reason they make it work through the process. They didn’t have choices. I wish I could have pass more time with them, knowing them and more history of their life. Their departure was too quick, too fast for me not to understand where I was really coming from.
However, I guess dad felt close to the country to bring and living there close to the land he was raised. Grand pa was very wealthy and had tons of land which over the years was sold bits by bits. Today this land has changed and has so many houses on the land where I was playing for hours. My uncle’s house still there but my dad’s house he built from ground 0 is not there anymore nor Grand ma house. This land where you can put 50 homes is now the new location for new family. The land of my grand father Gaston Marsan has been spread around and has come a town on is own. It’s almost something was taken from my heart, my time and just vanished. Mom on the other hand was a city girl raise by a very whealty man as well who own his business and work every day to help people. It would have been nice if one of the parent would have kept this business in the family and continue the legacy. I know I would be good at it.
On the other hand, my maternal grand-mother which I have know her at a later age was also very kind to me. Knowing that my grand father lost his wife from a pneumonia and was left with a young child which was my mom and got remarried to a wondeful woman who had 3 more children who was for me an awesome grand mother with love and kindness. I remember her desert which was the most delicious.
sound familiar - it's funny how some of the cycle of life is repeating itself.....and they call me crazy...lol
When my mom got a new mom – in her time, there were servant surrounding her and was raise in a very wealthy family which now I know why her addiction of shopping and having a cleaning lady and many trips in a year come from.
Complex history of family make us unique and understand that no matter what through our heart we share the love no matter what – well for some me excluded but I did get an amazing time with my grand parents in some way. People we love and care so much about comes and go but we discover their path from what they accomplish.
Not knowing fully my grand parents on both side but have only a glimpse of their accomplishment make me understand now today how important life is.
Yes generation change but over the years, you always tried to find out what is your ancestor, where they come from, what happen. Trying to create your genealogy tree…Impossible in my case. Everybody gives me names and strongly believe but there is a 6 years missing through this – maybe I am wrong but the way I was raised is not a life for any kids – Some will say yes but you have a roof and clothes and food. Yes I did – No I was not abuse physically well I guess lots of us remember the wooden spoon and the spank – lol but mental abuse is so far beyond to define what could damage a kids mind.
At some times of my teenager life, dad accepted to move back to the city. I guess mom had enough of the country. My sister was older and now having 2 teenagers in the country was maybe not so much a great idea.
I was happy because I though - hey this is a new beginning, a new life - No more weirdo around the block. New friends which I did make and they were awesome.
We move to a very wealthy surrounding in a big house close to a court tennis where mom and dad play tennis often through the club. That house I growth up is for sales to a cost of 1,479,000. The change they did is amazing where they brought back the life to this awesome house. Whoever will buy this house will be very happy from the location to the modification they did.
Where my sister went to a private school not far away where it’s take about 10 minutes to walk when I went to a public school which I have to take a bus or even walk which would take me 50 minutes.
This house that I remember was big. So big that you had room for servant, intercom, door after door. It was something – Big like you wouldn’t believe. They always say location, location well this is it…That was the location and the best one. Just around the corner where you had this beautiful tennis club. Park near by with beautiful street
Then we move again…We move often and I don’t know why we didn’t stay at one place. Mom was just not happy and dad was trying to make her happy. Now mom wanted a pool in the backyard – wanted to escape that life from the brick house. Depression kick in and dad was trying very hard to please her.
My sister already left and move on her own with her boyfriend but me tangling along for another move. There was this war between my dad and my sister’s boyfriend as my dad never like him. Oh! Boy that created more drama, more friction it was even not funny. The brick house sold very quickly and we had to live in an apartment temporarily until we got the possession of the new house. However, Mom and dad got the house big enough to put a pool. From ground zero the pool was build. A husband trying to please his wife – me feeling like a bullet nothing more nothing less. It was all about mom… I was the crumbs on the floor.
You know I can talk and talk about so many difference and gaps that was between my sister and I or through my life but that is the thing…
I know something is missing, I know being the second kid in the family life was not the same. The attention, the support was not the same. I can not take away the feeling I didn’t get nor the attention. That was my life then…
I tried through the family asking question but they don’t know much more. My step uncle and my step aunt doesn’t have no clue what is really the past of their dad. They only know the surface of it.
It is strange to find similarity through my own family. As my mom and my dad did separate and did encounter another partner. Talking about bebe-eprouvette a name from a fiction book you can not possibly imagine. No picture from your second baby. Left behind a child where there is attention but not really the attention need it.
Not understanding as a child which their love is unconditional but still want to growth the same as the sibling but at the same time is perceive differently. There was so many thing that was not adding up.
I don't want no pity...I fight all my life to be where I am today - to be a different person, to block the haters, to run away from drama and abuse. To hold on to anything positive that will help me to see the sunshine tomorrow...To find a purpose...
Before dad pass away, he was in his bed copping from suffering from a rare disease which I don’t believe the extend and do believe someone wanted to hurt him. Dad receive so many threat during his career it was even not funny. That is another story which dad was at the wrong place at the wrong time and it did cost his life.
Died at 53 which there is a lots of suspicious of his dead. Nobody wanted to do an autopsy. Do I believe he got sick so quick to died in 3 months period…Yes – someone wanted him dead and I don’t care if anyone think medically he died of that..He was target by someone who wanted him dead and that is why his dead was too quick too fast.
Some will close their eyes not believing this but from story I heard from dad this is certainly more then just a James Bond movie story as dad was so devoted to his career even after when he was undercover.
Mom never knew he was still undercover even after he retired. Sometimes I would hear dad leaving the house in the middle of the night and coming back before mom wake up. It was convenient as mom had hearing problem. As I found out I promise him to never say anything but I was afraid that he might never come back. I can only imagine his assigment to be the most dangerous as I only have glimpse of some of the story he went through. I know mom never like when he was working for the RCMP but this is a job he was so devoted to to make it right.
Before he pass away, he wanted to tell me something. Tell me finally what I wanted to hear but unfortunetly my sister and my mom show up at the door and what he was suppose to tell me was gone by the second.
I remember that day – He told me « Julie I have to tell you something very important » his silent was so quick as he saw them through the door. What was so important for him to finally come to the decision to tell me something for them not to hear. I question myself every day, wonder.
When Dad pass away mom didn’t want to keep anything related to dad through his career. All the RCMP awareness and retired badge was given to me. Uniform was sent back to the RCMP. Dad knew and something has been bury with his silence which I might never found out.
And Figure.. My sister is the executrices of the will...Dad of course left lots of money to mom and there is was some eager vulture around. Wow...I don't care about the money and I don't know if this is what dad wanted to tell me not to worry in life but between my sister and my mom they got the control - she didn't work for it and she still continue to shop like crazy - spending anything, traveling around the world. I rather be poor and be myself then doing what she is doing. There is already a line up for that money so be my guess - all yours guys...lol Not interested -
My sister is the owner of a 500,000 house screw up the government, executrices of dad's will, fake her illness both very wealthy - funny how life turn when they want something...Sorry not my way...this is not who I am...
I learn how to fight when I was younger, how to survive through madness and as I am 48 years old today – time has not change and still fighting for survival, madness, haters that surround me.
There is never a doll moment through my life when I only want peace, love, happiness and success. When I only want the best that comes with positive vibes.
I am tired to fight, I am tired to survive and would love to have a hug and have someone telling me don’t worry – everything will be fine. I don’t want any pity but I am not going to say nothing happen and I am not different then anyone else who might have come across the same path or some have worse path then mine. We learn to go through our fears, to survive, to battle and hope for the best.
Over the years even as today, I always felt I was curse – bad luck is following me not by choice nor by decision. I always try to take the time to think for the next step how could I change my life but there is not such luck in life. Lottery is not in my book nor great destiny to have a loving husband nor searching for the best husband who would take all my worry away as I have to fight harder to survive day by day. Why because I am not that kind of woman like my mom or even my sister who is at her 4th sugar daddy..hell no...I rather be alone then control because of money.
Do I believe in Love - yes but I never experience it, I don't know what it is to love someone and someone love you the way you are. To hug you for hours, to do something with you, to mentor you - not talking about control you but be your other half. It's sad isn't....
Some might judge me thinking my path is nothing compare to theirs but everyone is different, every emotions is different. It’s not by comparing my path to someone else that will make it better but to understand every emotion that someone goes through the path that makes us different.
I am not better then anyone but I have learn over the years to listen more, to give more, to pay attention more and to accept my faith the way it is – curse or not. That doesn’t make me a bad person but only trying to get ahead of the plan before God close his book on me.
It’s sad that we growth older faster then we learn the wisdom we are suppose to learn. Mine took 48 years to be the person I want to be and still as of today divorce and loosing my daughter who rebel on me just like my sister did on my parents from doing something she is not suppose to do. But this time my daughter has more tools where her rebel, her lies, her manipulation can cause you more damage you think because these kids know how to use the system then what we had in our time. You wouldn’t believe how far these kids can go today to get freedom their way. Not going through depression myself but sadness of trying to understand what I did wrong again through this path.
Judge me if you want but I know I was a good mom - it's just the society give more option today to these kids to express their freedom and now you pass for the bad guy. Never abuse my daughter, never touch her always doing something but I caught her doing drugs, alcohol and sex...I can't win...I just can't....it's pointless...
Through my life I had only 3 relationship is not my forte and as a wife I failed. One of them was an abusive relationship who beat me, shot me and got closer to me so he can get closer to my dad and get favor to get into RCMP. That didn’t work well…then the other which I promise myself to be a good woman where I will not tolerate abuse but allowed compromise and happiness. Well…Where in hell – I get these guys…cheating on me and the moment I found out he got a sexual transmit decease this is where I stop everything. The last but not the least – The alcoholic and drug users which to all my standard I didn’t know and was feeding his addiction by working 24/7. Wow… Unreal… You want to find my daughter.. well you find the last one...
I am a very smart lady but whatever I do just doesn't work...still swimming in this big ocean...figure...
Alone no support and only blame to be when you hope one day the true will come out as I am genuine as I can, honest as you can see and overrule some guidance so the life is not that strict for others…Sometimes you pay the price for something you didn’t do…Is there justice..I am not sure…But the power is in you and you have to find it.
I can complain and point fingers to those haters who hurt me, push me, crush me, shot me but there is a time in your life that you have to learn to forgive and forget and move on. I know who I am, I know what good heart I have and that doesn’t take away my heart, my survival and my soul from any misery that anyone tried to took away from me.
Still as today – I don’t know my purpose, my gift but one thing I tried to do is to be better then I was yesterday. I am so blessed I’ve met online awesome people, leaders who are great friends and great teacher. My story is no different then anyone. Am I scare to share this story which is only a glance of my life – of course but I know I am a genuine kind person. Alone most of my life through madness and survival but I always say…Before you give up, think about why you held on so long…
Life is not fine – the journey is not fine. That is what define us to be who we are as we continue to struggle, to find a way to get better, to find way to growth ourself. Failure is not really failure but a path where it’s been redirected to the path we are suppose to go through.
Am I going to see a better light when I am in my 80 alone probably, hope so but all these years wanted to be only love, support, share memory has faded and my only hope to see a better generation who appreciate more parents and parents making a difference for children of our world.
Sincerely
Julie K
