I was a wee bit tiny Josie, we hadn't even moved out of grandmas house yet, one day seemingly out of the blue, I asked mom if I could become an artist. Her response was - there's too much competition for it to be a viable path. Now that I reminded her of that conversation, she surely does not recall it, but to me it was settled - arts were not for me, because I was not talented enough to withstand the competition. So I never even attempted to pursue it. I was told no, and I was a reasonable kid, that listened to the advice of adults who clearly knew better..
Funnily enough now mom's one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders when it comes to my artistic pursuits.
It helps to be believed in. But it is also somewhat sacry when others believe in you more than you believe in yourself, because then you have no leeway and you MUST spill your guts out in order to deliver the results, because you wouldn't want to disappoint people that believed in you, now would you?
A friend of mine that visited recently has also expressed unreasonably unshakable belief in my artistic endevours, even if I don't really have much to show for it yet. And so she asked me to paint something for her. I wanted to know if there was anything specific she'd like in her painting, something of sentimetal value, perhaps, but she said no, just something pretty.
I didn't even think I was going to act on it for a while, but a celebration was coming up for her, and even if I wasn't sure if I could make it in time, I had to try, because.. what if I succeeded?
The only idea that I had for the painting was referencing the photo of orchids that I had taken a while back, playing with shining different colour led lighting on them. The orange light looked the best, as it was a good contrast to the shadows. So I took that photo for reference.
I did purposefully lose the details in the background, as well as some petals in the lower corner, as they were making a bit too much of a noise and I didn't want that to take away from the focal point or lose readability.
Since it was a bit of a rush, I had only 3 days, the painting was done in acrylic paints instead of oils. Oil would never have cured in time. I always say - I love AND hate how quickly acrylics dry. The fact that they dry so fast is the main reason so much of the paint gets wasted, if you want to mix the kinds of colour gradients that you need. You can't just mix a tiny bit, as you would with oil paints, as it will just dry out before you even get to painting.
There are some solutions that can allow for slower drying for acrylics, but I haven't tested them out yet. I presume adding something like that would also somewhat change how the paint behaves on the canvas, so that would be an aditional learning curve.
My room is also not really suitable for painting as I don't get enough (consistent) light, so maybe with different conditions I could have done it quicker, but it did take me three days and I DID actually manage to make it in time. Sometimes, a time crunch hits JUST the right spot for my AuDHD brain to perform optimally (other times it's a complete miss, so time limits are a bit of a gamble).
This is how it turned out in the end -
Now - the most difficult part - figuring out how do I feel about the way it turned out.
There are aspects of the painting that I quite like, but I can't say that it's a 100%.. There's something off about it, but I can't exactly put my finger on it. Maybe some of the colours got too muddy. Probably some values are off. I've noticed that values is something I consistently struggle with identifying.
But hey, it's finished. In time. It exists. And I've also received several compliments for it. But my brain still plays tricks on me and it can't just let me be happy about a finished piece, so I did get hit with a wave of negative emotions after the fact. Logically these feelings made no sense, but they were there none the less. I guess I was feeling like a dilettante. I have noticed a new pattern that's emerged in regards to drawing and painting - I manage to do it better than I had suspected, but still yet not 'good enough' (whatever that would even mean).
So no, I do not know what it would take for me to be happy with my own work, yet.. but wouldn't it be nice one day to just be in awe of one's own work? I'd like to get there. Some day. Eventually.
I guess it's just the matter of not giving up..
