Sometimes the hardest part is to begin. If it is so - begin small. Write one word, wash one fork, put down one stroke of paint, then take that momentum as far as it will flow naturally then stop without pushing further. Act without effort. Such weird words when everything has always come through effort all the time - squeezing the last drop of brain juice.. To what end? No one knows.. The world, the society was supposed to know, but turns out it doesn’t either. It just pretended it knew, hoping that by the time you’d come for answers, you’d have found some of your own along the way, or be so ingrained in the monotony that you’d have stopped asking silly questions like that. You were supposed to prove yourself, excuse your existence, demonstrate value. How? No one really cares, just do it.
Everyone celebrates, writers, artists, poets, philosophers, free thinkers.. As long as you aren’t one. Then you’re difficult. Then you better get a serious job and be a productive member of society and .. just.. stop.. being so weird! We can all see that you could really do things if only you applied yourself. ..and stopped daydreaming.. Hey! Are you even here? Are you even paying attention? You know what? You’re just lazy! There. A box. Figured you out. Weird and lazy, there, that settles. See you’re not special and unique, you CAN be put into a box after all.
When anxiety is your baseline, you don’t think of it as anxiety any more, that’s just living.. That’s just your constitution. That’s how life is for a wired little chihuahua like you. And no one taught you to self regulate, and you have to teach how to self regulate to the ones that were supposed to teach it to you in the first place.. And then have the audacity to ask if you’d ever have kids after all.. Well, MOM, when I figure out how to deal with someone emotionally stuck in a three year old’s crisis, I’ll let you know!
“Back in my day there weren’t this many autistic people”.. U-hu, ok, so what happened to all the weird and lazy ones, you just put them in a box labelled weird and lazy and conveniently forgot about them? Ok.. well, whatever works for you, I guess.
You don’t have to remind me that the world doesn’t give a shit about my wellbeing, I’ve been living it.. Best I can hope is to be left alone, but even that is such a fucking privillage, you’d first have to prove yourself, excuse your existence and demonstrate value before you could even dream about being left alone.
What happens when squeezing the brain for the last drops of brain juice no longer yields any results?
That’s the kind of question I haven’t had the luxury NOT to think about. I cannot, never could take my brain for granted.
Am I wierd an lazy or is it just the social cognitive shorthand for admitting that it doesn't know what to do with the likes of me either?
