A person came to visit me yesterday. Before she came, she had already called me in the morning that she was going to come by after church. I reluctantly picked up the phone in the morning. apparently I didn't want to pick up the phone, I didn't have the vigor, but then, it wouldn't be nice, she had always been a good person to me, but sometimes having people around reminds me of everything I've lost, and when they're gone it's always difficult for me to balance my mood.
Sometimes, I just want to remain in my cocoon, not being inclined to get back into the world. My way of seeing the world is now flawed, or maybe I'm just seeing what reality is, away from its shell and all that ignorance, or maybe not. However, I just find it more comfortable to exist in my own mind.
The previous day which was Saturday wasn't really a good one, I spent the day half reflective and half conscious of my immediate environment. Nevertheless, I picked up the phone and answered the door. After she left, I went back to my pensive state, stuck in endless imagination and deep into my fears and anxiety again.
Some days I wake up okay, some days I just wake up generally uncertain, unsure of everything, and basically tired. I wake up with sapped energy, not knowing whether it's the medical conditions or just my mind generally tired of everything. A lot has happened, but I just don't want to talk about them anymore.
While ranting lets you blow off steam and makes you feel better sometimes it just makes you a wailer, screaming about doom and gloom that feels strange to anyone out there. Talking about pain is not communicative, it's just a language that's solely understood by you, and when you begin to talk about things you can only understand, mentally your communicative process becomes flawed.
Choosing to keep it all in is not about showing strength, it's about truly understanding that you're speaking without being understood, without reaching any audience, or without completing any communicative process. As humans, we generally rely on feedback and when one's ranting is starved of feedback, whether they feel better or not, they'll have just ranted for nothing. It's a coping mechanism, true.
However, some of the advanced stages of pain are silence: staying back and being reflective, listening, watching, doing nothing, and not being active no matter what. It's not easy, sometimes I seek quick fixes to resolve my immediate issues, but it's Painful that I just have to watch and wait without truly knowing what to do.
Of course, I take time to do a few things, but I know I've lost that flair, that instinct to see life as a beautiful journey filled with challenges, laughter, and bliss. I can't seem to see life in a different light anymore. For me, it has become a "waiting" game. One thing about grief is that you can't wait it out. While you still need to wait it out, the time and process become too long the moment you cannot find closure, it becomes an enduring game. I've been making efforts, but I've found it difficult to still get my head back into life.
I've tried various approaches and still no way. My recent health escapades have taken time and resources and yet it still remains inconclusive, everything I've done to get some relief hasn't worked, and having these multiple uncertain mostly keeps me up at night. On the bright side...... (is there a bright side?)
These feelings fluctuate. If I can establish a 50/50 emotional stability, then it'll be good for balance. Right now, I find it hard to maintain some good moments, but I already know it's a waiting game, time will take its course, and imagining the "time" is torture on its own.
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