back, but to do nothing is intolerable.
―John J Geddes
Something Other Than Anxiety
It seems my life has been on hold for some time now, first by Sage and her toxic attacks and now by the two women left in my life.
I'm not even sure that they're 'left', in the sense of remaining. Perhaps it's more likely to say they left me which seems more correct.
And to add to my angst, because of Sage's attacks, I overlooked Britni Hill struggling to come to terms with her new identity which was a major concern when implementing the project.
All in all, if I score my performance, I seemed to have failed in all the major areas that were my responsibility.
Nice word, 'seems'― it introduces a sense of vaguenesss that's a convenient cover for carelessness.
I don't want to excuse my part in contributing to my problems. Truth is, my indecisiveness affects everyone around me and is at the root of my misfortune, both in my career and my personal life.
I hesitated too long in dealing with Sage and her attempts to control me and that gave her time and space to spin her web of deception and intimidation.
And she almost succeeded in destroying me and harming anyone who cared about me.
With regard to the latter, as flawed as my professional response was, my indecision in my personal life created a crisis that was even worse.
Lise left me believing Eve was better suited to me and I think it was because I was too afraid to show her my true feelings for fear of being rejected.
And so, while I was home alone wallowing in self-pity, she ventured out into an electrical storm in order to see me but I was drunk and she had to keep tapping at the window.
Just wonderful...
Her clothes are soaked, she's trembling from the cold and her lips are turning blue.
"Why didn't you answer when I texted you?" Lise asks through chattering lips.
"I guess I was so exhausted I didn't hear a thing. You need to take a hot shower. Just leave your clothes outside the door―I'll throw them in the dryer and put out jeans and one of my sweaters."
"Th―that sounds good," she manages to say through chattering teeth.
While she's in the shower, I set out dry clothes, add a couple of logs to the fire and reheat the pasta.
I wonder what made her change her mind? She seemed so adamant that we were done.
And then the realization dawns on me―finally breaks through my alcoholic haze―She's here―there's hope for us.
But then reality sets in. I'm still not thinking straight.
Maybe Lise just dropped by to update me on the latest developments in Sage's arrest and possible charges she'd be facing.
I'm sober enough now to process things and realize I might just be dreaming in technicolour. Maybe she is just finishing up her job―acting professionally, the way I should have been.
The blue feeling returns and I mechanically go through the motions of preparing hot food and coffee.
I'm an idiot, I berate myself, slamming my fist into the wall and wincing at the pain.
"That's going to leave a mark," she whispers behind me, standing in the doorway, towelling off her hair.
I blush and try to hide my hand but she comes over and takes it, examining it gently, her eyes huge and sad.
"It's not broken―just bruised―like us, I'm afraid," and then kisses me long and deep.
"You're going to make it harder if you leave," I warn her.
She looks me directly in the eyes. "I'm not leaving. This is where I belong."
The uncertainty in me is gone. I take her in my arms.