or a present that will destroy me if I look at it too clearly.
― Margaret Atwood
Fascinating From Afar
After you've been threatened then attacked there's a moment when you make a decision whether to run and hide or go on living regardless.
I'm not a brave person, just a man with few options. All I want to do is write and teach and both require a public exposure. Both leave me vulnerable.
But to retreat into a shell and never come out would be worse than anything that could ever happen to me. I need to live even if that means risking everything.
Still, the next morning while getting ready to go back to the College, I'm so scared I feel like puking.
Someone is out there that hates me enough to hire two thugs to lay a beating on me. I feel I'm under a curse and some stranger is not only wishing evil upon me but actively making it happen.
And so here I am, getting ready to go about my day, knowing I'm in somebody's crosshairs but pushing through anyway.
It's absurd, but it's the only way I know how to live.
Today I know I'd feel safer going to to the takeout window at Tim Horton's for a coffee and bagel but I deliberately choose to go to the Hart House cafeteria and eat breakfast at a table.
I acknowledge my fear but that's no reason for me to put on bedroom slippers and give in to it.
As I sit in the mix of staff and students I feel a sense of normalcy, which helps in the midst of anxiety and confusion. I know it doesn't make sense, but not much does when you're being hunted.
I spot Jana McPherson sitting at a table with several female students and amend my status from being hunted to haunted...
Haunted, yeah, that seems about right.
"Liam! What are you doing across campus? Isn't the fare at the College caf to your liking?"
Quinn is smiling down at me, looking beautiful in a camel-coloured coat and matching tartan scarf.
"I might ask you the same question," I tease. "Why don't you join me?"
She sets her takeout coffee down on the table and sits opposite me. She looks sunny and bright as the clear November morning shining through the cafeteria windows.
"So, how are you adjusting to being back―are you enjoying the lectures?"
"My classes are going well. Thankfully, I can still relate to the students. Wish I could say the same for my publisher though."
"I thought your publisher was on board with your returning to the university."
"I anticipated no problems, but it seems Elaine Wilson is steering in a different direction. She expected me to be at a Book Fair in New York and when I reminded her of my change in availability, we got into a heated argument. I think we may be ending our relationship."
She shook her head sadly, "I'm so sorry, Liam. I would have expected her to be more flexible considering your long relationship and your success."
"Well, it seems I'm going to be in the market for a new publisher―one that's more flexible."
"I know a literary agent that might represent you. Would you mind if I gave her a call?"
"No, not at all. I've been representing myself so having a professional agent might be a good idea. I'd appreciate the opportunity."
"I'll call when I get back to my office. I'm sure she'd jump at the chance to meet you. You do have a large readership base and an established name in the trade."
While we were talking I happened to glance over her shoulder in the direction of the table where Jana was sitting.
She had been staring at us and when our eyes met she quickly averted her gaze and began conversing with the girl beside her.
It had been a momentary thing but long enough for me to know she had been observing us talking. It crossed my mind to wonder if her gaze indicated interest or jealousy, but then I instantly felt guilty for considering either possibility.
I focussed on Quinn for the next few minutes and tried my best to wall out Jana's distraction.
After Quinn left, I glanced over at the table where Jana had been sitting, but it was now vacant.
It was one thing for her to intrude into my dreams but quite another to become a distraction when I was talking to Quinn.
I couldn't deny it though―I found the girl fascinating and attractive... and that's what concerned me.
I was drawn to her the same way as I was to Medusa in my dream and felt powerless to resist. I was still struggling with the same conflicted emotions that beset me my whole life and made me the target of a stalker.
Obviously, I hadn't changed and it was becoming apparent that perhaps I wasn't capable of it. That was a given.
But another obvious deduction was, if I couldn't police my own feelings it was only right to fall subject to vigilante justice.
You can't go around destroying other people's lives and claiming you're unable to contain your toxicity.
Something or someone had to keep me in line, when I couldn't restrain myself.
Maybe it wasn't a question of choosing between teaching or writing―maybe I just needed to stay away from people entirely.