and obliterate their own understanding of their history.
George Orwell
In Elizabethan times, it was a common belief the deceased would often appear to grieving loved ones in the guise of Familiar spirits.
These deceiving spirits would then entice the mourners to join them, by tempting them toward the flood.
As I stood on the precipice above the lake, buffeted by the wind, I could almost hear amidst the cries of the gulls, Joey and Marilyn calling me from the rocks below.
Only one thing kept me and saved me from my self and that was Cindy.
It was her voice I heard behind me calling me back from the edge and in the moment of my darkest despair it was she who reached out and held me, accepting me, regardless of who I had been or what I had done.
I had never before in my life ever experienced such faithful and unconditional love.
I didn't have a perfect record―how could I? I was flawed, but she looked past my scars and loved me for what I was. All my stained-glass illusions were shattered, but I didn't need a soaring gothic cathedral, just a small green sanctuary with her in the woods.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
We were sitting on the ground sipping the coffee she brought, she, of course, eating the croissants. I had to smile at the innocence that convinced her love could conquer all, but in truth, it did and saved me from the rocks.
"When I came here after Marilyn died and saw Joey splayed out on the rocks below me, I wanted to join both of them, but didn't have the courage to jump."
"Is that why you came here today to finish something left undone back in the past?"
I looked at her huge eyes and saw the sadness I caused and hated myself because of it.
"I failed you, Cyn, back in that other life. I couldn't die and couldn't live, so I ran and in a way, I suppose, I've been running ever since."
"Aren't you tired, Laird? Don't you know it takes more energy to run from yourself than to accept who you are? I'm not judging you. But you need to stop running."
Once again I was in her arms, my face buried in her hair.
I hadn't been real. I had only given her painted air―tears I couldn't weep―truths I couldn't speak. All the words caught in my throat...
"Did you know about Fay Collins?" I managed to croak.
"Is that what this is all about?"
I nodded.
She shook her head. "That girl was a real piece of work."
I looked at her in surprise. "I read her note. I was in the wrong."
"You mean you don't remember? How did you find out―Nat?"
I nodded again.
She shook her head. "Figures."
"What figures, Cyn―what do you mean?"
"I mean you probably only got half the story― what was published in the campus papers, not what really occurred."
"It seemed pretty clear to me," I said cynically.
"What? The fact the girl was deceiving you? Yep, that wasn't in the campus papers, Laird. Yes, you were infatuated with her and spent a night drinking in the campus pub. Yep, stayed all night till closing time atThe Bull and the Bear and then went back with her to your apartment where you slept with her―but only slept. You were too drunk to consummate the affair."
I stared at her dazed, trying to take in what she was saying.
"She tried to convince you she was pregnant, but a friend of hers told you the truth...and yes, you ran because you were embarrassed, but that's the extent of the scandal. Not exactly worth ending your life over."
"How do you know all this?"
"Well, duh―I'm an undercover cop and I have connections. And yes, I know you came back to Canada but never tried to look me up again. Too wracked up with guilt I suppose. But as far as I know, you never married, so I don't feel totally rejected."
"Good to know," I smiled bleakly, "at least that works for one of us."
"It'd work for you too, if you'd just accept your faults. You're not perfect―you never were, in any past life, but I'll tell you something, man of mine, I hate perfect. I like you just the way you are with all your faults and imperfections―so you better get used to me, cause I'm hanging around."
Looking at her so open and committed, I realized I could let go of my own need to be perfect and simply accept the perfect woman before me.