the better he believes himself to be.
― Erich Maria Remarque
My Alter Egos
There was something about my meeting with Lise Sommer that left me feeling unsettled. I thought about it on the drive home and when I was jogging on the Bruce Trail and then later that evening as I heard the freezing rain ticking against my window.
Sitting in my man cave before the fire I felt a primordial need for shelter and companionship. I wanted Lise, not in a crude Me Tarzan ― you Jane kind of way but more of a longing to spend time with her as we did this afternoon in her office, quietly chatting.
Truth is, I like staring at her, admiring her beauty and listening to her soft voice. I don't know if she is romantically attracted to me or is seeking me out for a reason ― but what purpose could that be?
I sipped at my wine and methodically reviewed our conversation looking for hints of what she wanted.
There wasn't enough context to settle the matter definitively but she definitely seemed interested in discussing the ethics of how we view higher animals, particularly apes and chimpanzees, but also mentioned extinct human species.
Could she be involved somehow in genetics research for resurrecting extinct species?
She is a brilliant scientist and might have been questioning the implications of reviving long-dead animal species or possibly viruses that have been dormant for thousands of years.
There was a haunted look in her eyes and now it's worrying me. But, it's useless to speculate.
If she solely needs my perspective as an evolutionary psychologist I'll gladly weigh in, but I'm hoping her occasional chats with me are indicators of a deeper interest that is not merely professional. I may be dreaming in technicolour, but I think there is more that just collegial matters driving her to contact me.
I can only hope that's the case.
I’m beginning to feel mellow, no doubt the result of the wine, the warmth of the fire and the comforting sound of sleet ticking against the window pane.
Soon I fall into a deep sleep and immediately begin to dream.
I’m in my office in the Old Medical Building and there’s an attractive woman sitting close to me talking, but it’s not Lise but Vanity Edwards, the headstrong beauty queen who constantly challenges me in lectures.
I’m trying to explain to her that her combative approach is disrupting my lectures, when without warning, she suddenly kisses me, deeply and long.
I’m shocked and know I should resist but somehow I’m frozen, caught in the undertow of her beauty and being alone with her in my office.
Finally, I muster the power to resist and tell her what we are doing is unprofessional and mustn’t ever happen again, but she just kisses me again….
And then, Lise walks in.
I try to push her away but she has me locked tightly in an embrace and when I finally manage to get free, Lise is gone and I’m left with only the haunted look in her eyes and the unmistakable sense of her disappointment with me.
I wake up with a start and realize it was only a dream, but the aura of it persists. I’m aware subconsciously my Psyche is warning me of impending danger but I feel powerless to resist.
I shut off the lights and head to bed but sleep fails to overtake and I lie awake tormented by scenes from my dream and knowing they point to a weakness in me.