Tercera entrada. Derrota.

He sido arrastrado por la falta de control y de virtudes. La responsabilidad se ha resbalado de la mente y no fui partícipe suficiente; no he sido jugador. La derrota más dura que he podido sufrir es la de la inexistencia.

La segunda derrota viene precedida por la constante reprimienda. La tercera, la cuarta, la quinta... la parte más desastrosa dentro de la cual he pretendido vivir. La derrota mayor es ver esa inconformidad perjudicando a mis acompañantes.

Es amargo, como nunca ha sido, porque es la realidad misma dictándome todas las porciones inconclusas.

Perdí, hoy he perdido y no estoy seguro si haya una victoria dentro de todo esto.

Es innecesario buscar razones o excusas. Es innecesario pretender buscar algún culpable más, incluso si han habido más factores que deban tomarse en cuenta. La derrota está sentenciada. Somos parte de un ciclo. Si dentro de las posibilidades hay más ciclos e historias, y si dentro de esos ciclos e historias hay victorias y alegrías fuera de este círculo de penumbrahoy es una derrota, y las posibilidades no siempre son las principales a tomar. No todos los finales son necesariamente felices.

Sigo despierto esperando a que la vida me dé nuevos motivos, nuevos panoramas. Sigo despierto, aunque este infierno quiera hacer arder toda costumbre, definitivamente sigo despierto. Tengo la capacidad de prescindir de todas las cosas para ascender con las más esenciales

incluso si mi esencia parece perdida.

No es este es el punto de tenerte o de tenernos; no es el punto de que marches o persistas. No hay ningún definitivo dentro de esta transición, es la certeza de la derrota; es al fin algo consistente, es la levedad, incluso, el llanto.

Hoy he sido derrotado

I lost

There is no subtle way to say it: I have lost, I have been defeated.

I have been dragged down by lack of control and virtue. Responsibility has slipped from my mind and I was not a sufficient participant; I have not been a player. The hardest defeat I have been able to suffer is that of non-existence.

The second defeat is preceded by constant reprimand. The third, the fourth, the fifth... the most disastrous part within which I have pretended to live. The greatest defeat is to see that nonconformity harming my companions.

It is bitter, as it has never been, because it is reality itself dictating to me all the unfinished portions.

I lost, today I have lost and I am not sure if there is a victory in all this.

It is unnecessary to look for reasons or excuses. It is unnecessary to pretend to look for some other culprit, even if there have been more factors to be taken into account. Defeat is doomed. We are part of a cycle. If within the possibilities there are more cycles and stories, and if within those cycles and stories there are victories and joys outside this circle of gloom today is a defeat, and the possibilities are not always the main ones to take. Not all endings are necessarily happy ones.

I stay awake waiting for life to give me new motives, new vistas. I am still awake, even if this hell wants to burn all habit, I am definitely still awake. I have the capacity to dispense with all things in order to ascend with the most essential ones

even if my essence seems lost.

This is not the point of having you or having us; this is not the point of you leaving or persisting. There is no definitive within this transition, it is the certainty of defeat; it is at last something consistent, it is the levity, even, the weeping.

Today I have been defeated