You may describe it as conceited but there are some things I don’t think I'll ever experience in life. There are some things I hear happening to others, and I'm like, “Nah, this can never be me,” or “This can never happen to me.” A lot of times, I am actually spot on, and those things don't happen to me. But then some things just happen and you just wonder how you ended up in that position.
I’ve been meaning to talk about this for a week now. I attended a book festival. I think I’ve said quite a bit about it already on this platform. So, I’ll start from the beginning. Popular Nigerian authors were supposed to be coming for this festival and then I saw the tickets. The regular was already pretty expensive and the VIP tickets were about five times the prize. Perks of having one was a buffet dinner with the authors after each day of the two-day event.
If you’re still guessing which one I went for, I guess you don’t know me too well, lol. More than the food (which no doubt interested me a great deal), the thought of just being in a smaller space with people I adored appealed greatly to me, you know? So, I got the resources together, closed my eyes and paid for the VIP ticket. My excitement built up till the last day, and when the day finally came, I was almost in a permanent state of euphoria.
The things I learnt and my experience at the book festival is not the issue here, so I’ll just leave that for another time, and talk about the aftermath instead. After the event, it was time for the buffet dinner and all VIP ticket holders were directed to another room. I went in, and stopped dead in my tracks. There was no one there. I almost immediately began to panic. I couldn’t be the only one who had paid VIP. That was just so wrong. I walked briskly to the host for confirmation, but she said I wasn’t the only one and there were two others.
Wasn’t good enough, but I at least felt a little better.
True to her word, the other two came and we sat for introductions. The first lady turned out to be a Pharmacist who was currently working full-time with the biggest NGO in West Africa. And the other lady, was an engineer by profession and guess what? Owned her own publishing form, which had already released two best-selling books in the last six months.
Then all eyes turned to me. And a wave of inadequacy filled me. I never knew I could have imposter syndrome till that moments were the questions stormed in like an angry hurricane in my mind.
Look at you. What right do you have to be here? What have you accomplished that qualifies you to sit on this table? How much do you have that you thought you could flaunt a VIP ticket? Who told you that you even deserve to be here, among refined ladies, when you’re younger, and also have nothing?
The harsh mental questions were unending and unrelenting. I felt so small in that single minute. So very small. It didn’t help that the ladies kept saying things like, “It’s like when I came back from Kenya.mm.” “Oh, who knew that my trip to Hawaii would be cut short like that?” They talked of big names I didn’t know, places I didn’t see, and rich experiences that I’d never found myself in.
So, when they turned to me, I said, “Hello, my name is Tessa. I’m a Law student at this University, and... I’ve been here all my life.” I gave a self-deprecating smile to complete the ensemble. I didn’t expect them to be hooked, bombard me with questions and be genuinely interested in my life. They all laughed at my jokes and said I was incredibly smart on a few occasions. Imposter Syndrome wanted to take a hold of me again, but this time, I knew better, so I didn’t allow the thoughts sit with me.
Imposter Syndrome is a disease, guys. If you let it sit with you for too long, it could crowd your thought, poison your beliefs and leave a perpetual scar in its wake. I had to remind myself of so many things. I had to remind myself of how strong and beautiful I was, how hard I’ve worked for everything I have in life and how courageously I’ve made it through all of life’s obstacles. How I keep striving to be better, and how sure I am of all the blessings the future holds for me.
It took a lot to remember my worth as I sat in the midst of these five intelligent, influential and accomplished women but I’m glad I did, and gladder still that our conversations flowed another and much more intimate from then on. A beautiful experience because I didn’t let imposter syndrome ruin it.
Have you had an experience with imposter syndrome before? How do you overcome it when you do?
Images are mine.
